Ridley Scott directs Tom Cruise, Mia Sara and Tim Curry in this fantasy romance where Darkness wants the last unicorn dead and the innocent princess who can attract it for his evil bride.

Ridley the visualist matches his work on Alien and Blade Runner here. The production design by Assheton Gorton is a wonder to behold; a cornucopia of scale, dry ice and… yep… glitter. Sadly Ridley the storyteller is at his most indulgent. How can an 85 minute movie seem so long and so lifeless? I’ve tried to get into Legend a fair few times. Assuming at some point the tumblers will click into place and it will open itself up to me. But it is a shallow experience, too dark for children and too whimsical for adults. Tim Curry’s magnificent Darkness is the best thing here but his maliciously beautiful turn is surrounded by hollowness. He and Rob Bottin should take a bow for the deliciously monstrous creation they conjured, who is sadly left waiting in the wings while teens mope and elves frolic for two thirds of the dawdle time. How can you squander such an iconic villain? There is also a sumptuous fantasy dance number near the end but it is swiftly scraped from the memory by some wimpy late in the day adventure that follows it. Legend will always be more infamous for its various cuts (you are never quite sure what length or score or variation on Darkness you are going to get until you turn the telly on) and for its waste of a young Tom Cruise… merely one volleyball game away from mega stardom.

5

Check out my wife Natalie’s Point Horror blog https://cornsyrup.co.uk

We also do a podcast together called The Worst Movies We Own. It is available on Spotify or here https://letterboxd.com/bobbycarroll/list/the-worst-movies-we-own-podcast-ranking-and/

Robert Wiene directs Conrad Veidt, Alexandra Sorina and Fritz Kortner in this silent horror where an injured pianist is given an emergency transplant but then discovers that his new hands used to belong to a murderer.

Starts out all action. The chaos and carnage of a train wreckage. This is a really pacy atmospheric sequence. The more traditional horror that follows is creepy but a little creaky. Certain sequences are given a little too much rope for very little reward. But again, if I had the opportunity to watch this on the big screen with no distractions the score might be higher.

6

Check out my wife Natalie’s Point Horror blog https://cornsyrup.co.uk

We also do a podcast together called The Worst Movies We Own. It is available on Spotify or here https://letterboxd.com/bobbycarroll/list/the-worst-movies-we-own-podcast-ranking-and/

Stephen Sommers directs Treat Williams, Famke Janssen and Kevin J. O’Conner in this monster action comedy where a cruise liner’s passenger list has been devoured by a sea monster and only some pirates, a thief and the owner are left to escape the ship.

A R rated wet run for The Mummy. A mash up of Die Hard and The Poseidon Adventure and Aliens. A vast roster of C-list ‘that guy’s who you can pretty much guess what order they’ll get ate up in… apart from the first two. A wisecracking Shaggy from Scooby Doo take that is simultaneously annoying and likeable from O’Conner. An excuse for peak Famke Janssen to wear both a stunning red evening dress and a wet t-shirt. When the muscleheads bicker she steps just outta shot to change up her look. Nineties teen beauty Claire Forlani was originally cast as master thief Trillian St. James but walked from the set… And I think that worked out for the best in the long run. Some really cheap ass CGI that is used quickly enough that you don’t mind it. A literal boatload of sticky gore including a half digested man popping back to say his last words. A jet ski outracing tentacles and an explosion through the corridors finale. A fun little joke joke cliffhanger. Neither as fantastic as it sounds or as terrible as it could have been, Deep Rising is a perfectly average no-brainer beer and pizza movie. They don’t make em like this anymore. Shame that.

6

Check out my wife Natalie’s Point Horror blog https://cornsyrup.co.uk

We also do a podcast together called The Worst Movies We Own. It is available on Spotify or here https://letterboxd.com/bobbycarroll/list/the-worst-movies-we-own-podcast-ranking-and/

Vernon Sewell directs Derren Nesbitt, Colin Gordon and Ann Lynn in this British thriller about three bank robbers who lock the manager and cashier in the safe over a long weekend and realise they must break them out before they suffocate.

Quentin Tarantino loves it. The Radio Times Guide gave it one miserable star. It is a cracking little procedural. Character and atmosphere give way to process and fate. Featuring lead performances from two of The Prisoner’s more memorable Number Twos.

7

Check out my wife Natalie’s Point Horror blog https://cornsyrup.co.uk

We also do a podcast together called The Worst Movies We Own. It is available on Spotify or here https://letterboxd.com/bobbycarroll/list/the-worst-movies-we-own-podcast-ranking-and/

Edmund Goulding directs Joan Crawford, John Barrymore and Greta Garbo in this Oscar winning drama about the residents of a luxurious hotel in Berlin.

Took me a little while to synch up with this. Lionel Barrymore’s overly ingratiating clerk on a big blow out was very off putting in the first act. Eventually though he gels with the other more worldly characters and we get to watch Joan Crawford’s leggy but sweet stenographer lower her standards, John Barrymore as the world’s most inept “hotel thief” and Garbo iconically wanting to be alone. Star power wins you over. Yes, Grand Hotel is dated but still feels pretty daring in its ‘pre-code’ content. The production design is incredible, a vista of chequers and balconies. I’d stay there.

7

Check out my wife Natalie’s Point Horror blog https://cornsyrup.co.uk

We also do a podcast together called The Worst Movies We Own. It is available on Spotify or here https://letterboxd.com/bobbycarroll/list/the-worst-movies-we-own-podcast-ranking-and/

J. J. Abrams directs Elle Fanning, Joel Courtney and Kyle Chandler in this Amblin sci-fi adventure where a smalltown in the Seventies becomes embroiled with an escaped alien cover-up and only the nerdy kids know the truth.

Not the blast I remember. Still mostly fun but a bit too studied. Abrams gets his Spielberg homage pitch perfect when dousing the wonder in mystical light or busying the screen with a small town in cutesy distracted chaos. The middle act through is too heavy and too sentimental. Aside from Fanning, the supporting kids lack personality and are pretty interchangeable. These aren’t the well defined and popping personalities of The Goonies or even Stranger Things. The best moments really are the making and final presentation of the Z grade horror movie the gang were distracted from by all these train crashes, tanks, choppers and close encounters. Felt a little baggy and underwhelming on a second watch even if it is a very well crafted blockbuster.

7

Check out my wife Natalie’s Point Horror blog https://cornsyrup.co.uk

We also do a podcast together called The Worst Movies We Own. It is available on Spotify or here https://letterboxd.com/bobbycarroll/list/the-worst-movies-we-own-podcast-ranking-and/

Herbert Ross directs Kevin Bacon, Lori Singer and John Lithgow in this teen rebellion dance flick where a small town has banned dancing but the new boy has got the moves.

Does exactly what it says on the tin. If you are an MTV kid this is a half a dozen music videos to pop hits masquerading as set pieces. If you are looking for nostalgic cheese, this gets the balance just about right. Lori Singer can’t act. Chris Penn really, really can’t dance. Glitter performs a military coup in the final minutes. It is no Rebel Without a Cause even if it doggedly follows the steps if not the emotions. It ain’t even a Tuff Turf. But its heart is in the right place and most of the cast deservedly moved up onto better roles.

6

Check out my wife Natalie’s Point Horror blog https://cornsyrup.co.uk

We also do a podcast together called The Worst Movies We Own. It is available on Spotify or here https://letterboxd.com/bobbycarroll/list/the-worst-movies-we-own-podcast-ranking-and/

Sidney J. Furie directs Michael Caine, Nigel Green and Guy Doleman in this espionage thriller where an intelligence heavy must try to figure out who is brainwashing the top scientists of Britain.

One of the greatest movie scores ever by John Barry. Ponderous, ominous and playful. It sets the tone for what was made and marketed as the antithesis of 007. You’d never see Sean Connery in Kwik Save. Caine’s Palmer is a fascinating child of its time. He knows change is coming to every aspect of society but his ‘superiors’ just haven’t caught up yet and have little intention to. Insubordinate but trapped beneath middle management, sexually confident but uncaring, brutish but detached. Is he these things because he has no other options or because it is what he is best at? I love Bond but this is far more psychologically rigorous yet open to fluid interpretation depiction of spycraft. The grind of bureaucracy, the disposability of assets and the continual mistrust. The few bursts of violence happen in the background, almost as if we are trying not to watch them from a passing car or poorly angle phonebox. Scuffles unfit for public consumption rather than Bondian spectacles. It would make a fantastic double bill with Tomas Alfredson’s Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy and I appreciate it more with every rewatch.

8

Check out my wife Natalie’s Point Horror blog https://cornsyrup.co.uk

We also do a podcast together called The Worst Movies We Own. It is available on Spotify or here https://letterboxd.com/bobbycarroll/list/the-worst-movies-we-own-podcast-ranking-and/

Ben Wheatley directs Alice Lowe, Steve Oram and Eileen Davis in this black comedy road movie where a strange couple embark on a caravanning trip which ends in murder, dognapping and crocheted lingerie.

“The police announced today that they’re pursuing a ginger-faced man and an angry woman in connection with inquiries.” Easily the best British comedy film of the last decade. Lowe and Oram give utterly committed performances but never allow their improv style to run away from Wheatley’s tight compositions. He clearly relishes re-imagining Mike Leigh’s Nuts In May as a psychotic, erotic odyssey. Makes you want to visit all the blood spattered points of interest they leave in their wake. Lowe conjures up the lion’s share of the best lines and funniest reaction shots.

10

Check out my wife Natalie’s Point Horror blog https://cornsyrup.co.uk

We also do a podcast together called The Worst Movies We Own. It is available on Spotify or here https://letterboxd.com/bobbycarroll/list/the-worst-movies-we-own-podcast-ranking-and/

John Llewellyn Moxey directs Darren McGavin, Simon Oakland and Carol Lynley in this horror movie where a maverick journalist covers a series of vampire attacks in Las Vegas that the authorities do not want to acknowledge.

One of the most watched TV movies of its era, a formative horror experience for the generation before mine and an acknowledged influence on The X-Files, The Night Stalker felt like a must see. While it does have an air of paranoia and conspiracy that definitely hooked Chris Carter at an early age it didn’t hold up well to modern eyes. A creaky simple mystery, variably acted, with some weak tea bloodsucking horror. The sunny Technicolor Nevada location shoot makes a seedy and garish impression. Yet the only element that has truly stood the test of time is Darren McGavin’s dogged reporter Kolchak. He is like a cheaper Walter Matthau and the character is a pleasing cocktail of Hunter S Thompson and Darrin from Bewitched. Imagine that!… You can’t, can you? So you’ll have to watch this then.

5

Check out my wife Natalie’s Point Horror blog https://cornsyrup.co.uk

We also do a podcast together called The Worst Movies We Own. It is available on Spotify or here https://letterboxd.com/bobbycarroll/list/the-worst-movies-we-own-podcast-ranking-and/