Rian Johnson directs Rachel Weisz, Adrien Brody and Mark Ruffalo in this romantic comedy involving two conmen siblings, their mysterious muse and their recluse mark.
I had my stock bought early, was a Rian Johnson booster since Brick. Yet his sophomore movie was never released near me in 2008… and I lived in central London in 2008! So it has been languishing on my “must watch” list for a long old time. Not going to lie, bit disappointed. The prologue featuring the brother planning their first scam as kids has juice but none of the stars. Once we age up, Ruffalo and especially Brody seem to be playing against type and the trivia confirms they swapped roles during rehearsal. The switch doesn’t chime. The movie feels overly slavish to Wes Anderson in look and rhythm. One Wes is enough! And considering this came out in the wake of The Spanish Prisoner, Nine Queens, Matchstick Men AND Confidence (also starring Weisz) it doesn’t have anything new to say about the film flam sub-genre aside from reheating the leftovers in lesser used international locations. Rinko Kikuchi as a near silent explosive experts and a montage of Rachel Weisz’s hobbies are the stand-outs but both glimmers are whimsy of the highest order. I need to catch Brick again.
Adrian Choa directs Louis Theroux, Harrison Sullivan and Justin Waller in this documentary film exploring “red pill” influencers.
Theroux seems a little out of step here. He is exploited as much as his subjects. They turns the tables on him a few times for instant clout in a way cosseted egocentric celeb monsters and sex workers never could. It actually plays out as a revealing heat check into a world of post truth, where mainstream media’s trust and power has been eroded. This is what is creating and filling the vacuum. I have been on a fair bit of training around working on this subject with young men recently. It was very well researched and academically sound. But both this doc and that learning skip over the fact that muscle bound men posing as billionaires and lotharios taps into adolescent fantasies and older men’s frustrations very, very easily. It clearly is a scam, a pyramid scheme and a hustle to those of us content and secure. But a kick back against the gentrification of traditional male culture, plus the in vogue demonisation of men in general, was inevitable. The last decade of #metoo and #butalwaysaman was essential but its commodification would always lead to some such reactive extremity. I find these men ridiculous and abhorrent but equally a lot of current feminist social media and culture has the similar tang of self serving echo nastiness. I find grifter feminists with no grace or diplomacy equally ridiculous if a little less distasteful. Take it from a soy boy cuck nerd wokey brokie: “Only a Sith deals in absolutes”. We are only becoming more fractured and I feel Theroux knows he is out of his depth here on his (our) side of the schism. It is fascinating he is happy to unvarnish that truth, that he no longer has the tools to deal with the new misogyny and its cutting edge delivery system.
Rob Marshall directs Johnny Depp, Penélope Cruz and Ian McShane in this soft reboot where Jack Sparrow and Barbossa embark on a quest to find the elusive fountain of youth, only to discover that Blackbeard and his daughter are after it too.
All the elements are here but it seems strangely focussed on static pageantry rather then propulsion. Get them all on a desert island by the midway point and… then… just… stop. Very sterile. Wasn’t shocked to see Marshall (a musical director) had taken the steering wheel over from Verbinski. One understands blockbuster kinetics and the other understands costumes and blocking. Cruz is a superior love interest / booty rival for Depp. She is surprisingly big and bouncy in this. Turns out she was heavily pregnant during the shoot. While she is the best thing in the movie (even better than the Jack Sparrow Show, which is growing quite tiresome) perhaps someone of equal stature who didn’t need to be filmed standing still and only from the cleavage up might have been a better shout for a franchise famous for its extravagant action set pieces. Dead in the water.
3
Perfect Double Bill: Pirates of the Caribbean: Salazar’s Revenge (2017)
Roger Kumble directs Robin Dunne, Sarah Thompson and Amy Adams in this recast prequel to Cruel Intentions.
Three unaired episode of a YA spin-off series (Manchester Prep) edited together into feature length. Straight To DVD fodder and with a scene of blatantly crowbarred in nudity added later. I probably would have watched the show had they given us a chance and Amy Adams is easily the best thing in this. She takes over the Sarah Michelle Gellar role. The abrupt twist ending they scrabble together is wildly off but they had to tie this off somehow.
Lisa Hunt directs Leslie Bega, Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Pamella D’Pella in this exploitation flick following a LA hooker being hunted by her pimp.
A beat for beat remake of the far superior Streetwalkin’. A very young Jeffrey Dean Morgan plays the psycho pimp but looks like he has just come from a 21 Jump Street audition. Seemingly filmed on video.
Renny Harlin directs Kathryn Morris, LL Cool J and Jonny Lee Miller in this serial killer thriller where a flamboyant murderer picks off a group of FBI profilers on a deserted island.
Also featuring Christian Slater and Val Kilmer. But they don’t last past the first act. And their billing on the posters spoils that long before I ever could. Identity meet Saw. Not very good but unhinged enough that you can’t turn it off. 2004 had an aesthetic and it is this. Glacial, shiny, cruel and harsh.
I have slept a little on Dakota Johnson over this last decade. Undeniably attractive but prone to making bad movies. Some like Fifty Shades / Madam Web seem very unlikely to ever have had any potential artistic merit. Others (The Materialists / Suspiria /Persuasion) on paper should be legitimately worthwhile yet the final products proved marmite. And then there’s that nepotism ick. Yet she is quite magnetic even in trash and compromised fumbles. Clean, classically beautiful, expressive and surprisingly committed to full frontal nudity in this prudish day and age… She is a bit like a Joan Fontaine or Deborah Kerr who likes to “get them out”. There’s something about Dakota well worth investing into. Her best performances have been in supporting roles (The Lost Daughter / Bad Times At El Royale / The Peanut Butter Falcon) but we can’t be too far off from her picking the right projects and the movie going public buying tickets for her name above the title. It feels like we are on the cusp of that happening.
Madame Web (2024)
S.J. Clarkson directs Dakota Johnson, Sydney Sweeney and Isabela Merced in this superhero spin-off movie set before Peter Parker was born where a psychic paramedic must keep other women with spider-sense alive.
… I think. A movie scripted through conflicting studio executive notes. This is bland gubbins which goes through strange mercurial motions. Leaves no lasting impact apart from how bland and formulaic something so inessential and unwanted can get. A Spider-Man spin off explicitly without Spider-Man based around a character not even the fan boys have heard of. Johnson is on autopilot here and was quite open that she wanted a paycheck throughout the press tour. It is an absolute narrative mess, brimming with strange alienating choices. But so is Disclosure Day, so optics are everything.
4
Persuasion (2022)
Carrie Cracknell directs Dakota Johnson, Cosmo Jarvis and Richard E. Grant in this period adaptation of Jane Austen given a post-modern spin.
Never watched Fleabag so if this is “Jane Austen post-Fleabag” as oft criticised, then I don’t care about the lift. Characters have been self aware and chatting to cameras in movies since before anyone cast in this was even born. Hello, Alfie! What this does have is a compelling romance and beautiful dresses. Mia McKenna-Bruce’s self absorbed monster of a sister is a whole lotta fun. Johnson feels super comfortable in this witty, clever mode.
6
Fifty Shades Of Grey (2015)
Sam Taylor Johnson directs Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan and Jennifer Ehle in this big budget adaptation of the steamy S&M bestselling novel.
A confession. I went to the multiplex to try this on release. The first five minutes were so awful I walked out. Something I rarely do. Belated second try wasn’t much better. An endurance test with shadowy flesh flashes. There are one or two neat scenes. The contract negotiation set piece sees Johnson bring some cheeky facial expressions that skewer the seriousness of the unreal dialogue. They’re both good looking kids. You’d be happy just watching them have some nice missionary for two hours. But it all looks too cold and drab to really even work as wealth porn. Then ends with nothing resolved. Two more films? No thank you! Good lace ‘good girl’ panty and breathy basic bitch soundtrack choices. Never let the author have any creative control over the movie adaptation. See also Harry Potter.
3
A Bigger Splash (2015)
Luca Guadagnino directs Tilda Swinton, Matthias Schoenaerts and Ralph Fiennes in this arthouse hang out flick where a famous rock star’s vacation in Italy is disrupted by the unexpected visit of an old friend and his daughter.
Either this or The Lost Daughter is Johnson’s best on screen acting. She’s super enigmatic in A Bigger Splash as the jailbait interloper to all the middle aged sexual power plays. In full honesty all the leads give career bests in the earlier wild hangout scenes. It is almost a shame when a mystery plot intrudes in the second half. I love Fiennes and his “Leonard Rossiter on all the drugs” schtick here. We are talking the stuff of untethered acting dreams. The first half of this is a five star experience.
Vincente Minnelli directs Gene Kelly, Cyd Charisse and Van Johnson in this classic musical where two Americans on a hunting trip in Scotland become lost and encounter a small village not on the map which only appears for one day once every century.
Who doesn’t need a little magic in their life? When Gene Kelly dances the world off the screen disappears.
Steven Spielberg directs Emily Blunt, Josh O’Connor and Colin Firth in this conspiracy thriller where a group of unlikely whistle blowers are chased by a shadowy organisation who have suppressed evidence of close encounters.
The craft in this is undeniably masterful but the story as told is oft drab, uninvolving and chaotic. Blunt’s is a gloriously vivacious and energetic presence but not the lead. Her powers and importance are enigmatic, never fully locked down. She is more a sexy Macgufffin than a flesh and blood character. The big set piece sequences are momentarily thrilling but hobbled by obvious digital FX that have no place in a film this expensive and self important. AND the inescapable tight spots are resolved with little effort or logic once they have served their popcorn purpose. The movie plays out like a bunch of scripts blended together. Projects that Spielberg couldn’t get to work over the years. Off cuts minced from abandoned prestige drama but sold now as summer blockbuster. It is a feathered fish with sinister sequences, philosophical debates, some wonder but little cohesion. If it was the final three episodes of The X-Files it would make far more sense. But as the potential swan song of cinema’s greatest entertainer?… I’m not satisfied and I’m precisely the sort of fan who should give this a grateful pass. The movie feels in constant conversation with Steve’s life’s work (a jacket here, a showy one-r or three there, crowbarred in family dysfunction, Close Encounters) but is this all self reflection or cavalier Easter egg cuteness?
Travis Knight directs Nicholas Galitzine, Camila Mendes and Idris Elba in this sci-fi fantasy comedy based on the Eighties toy line sold via a beloved cartoon series.
When I was a seven year old kid these action figures were my world. 2026: I had Eternia / the screen all to myself for this. OK…so one noisy guy came in to finish his sodas and then left. And the manager popped in, not to night vision the room for the potential piracy cameras, just to make sure someone was still there. When I exited at half past midnight the two teenagers left on shift who seemed very disappointed they had to work so late for one old dude. Was it worth it? It is a cute movie that often looks about as good as a CGI reliant fantasia can. Better than Thor or Guardians which are keystones to the vibes. Nicholas Galitzine makes a good fist as the hero, there are plenty of trippy visuals that explode with colour. Alison Brie’s Evil-Lyn is underused but gives off a satisfied little kinky smile whenever Skeletor chokes her out with his toxic strangle. Is Jared Leto’s Skeletor the comic relief saving grace everyone makes him out to be? I didn’t see it myself. I thought he was adequate hidden behind digital animation. Probably the best performance he has given since getting his face smashed in during Fight Club. The movie could easily be half an hour shorter. There are narrative time outs where characters bond in two separate dungeons and one forest spaceship breakdown that drain the momentum. Three pit stops is too many. The action is also perfunctory. Snark is fine, snark has a place, but imagine if they went down the fully committed horny sincere Flash Gordon route. Daniel Pemberton’s electric guitar led score needs special mention as it sounds like Kiss or Rush have taken over the mixing booth. Often it supplies the gas that keeps this mixed bag juggernaut moving forward.
6
Perfect Double Bill: Masters Of The Universe (1987)
Bobby Carroll's Movie Diary 