Demian Lichtenstein directs Kurt Russell, Kevin Costner and Courtney Cox in this action film about careers criminals who are really into Elvis.

Here’s a pitch: Elvis impersonators rob a Las Vegas casino. Here’s a great cast. Here’s $62 million dollars. How do you fuck that up? Watch this poor, poor movie and find out. I’m not entirely sure why Tarantino shoulders the blame for every wannabe script that was put in production off the back of Pulp Fiction. It is not his fault that no one in Hollywood could seemingly tell the difference between the premium quality of his own genre writing and derivative, rambling, misogynistic (every female character is introduced with a shot of her butt), wordy guff like this. But I’m guessing when this flopped quite so hard he thanked Lichtenstein for literally directing the life out of the weak ass rip off to its even further detriment. No one has bothered “homaging” the pop culture bandit himself again to my knowledge, leaving QT to be his own brand. Every trick in the book is pulled out by 3KM2G’s floundering director from CGI fighting scorpions in the credits, a time lapse montage of Vegas that lasts longer than Christian Slater’s screentime and Ice T turning up in the final five minutes literally to just hang upside down with some Uzis. All evidence that Lichtenstein seemingly wants to be making any film but the one we have bought a DVD of. There’s just enough aimless action to make for an impressive trailer and if you check your brain in at the door there’s some disjointed fun to be had. Not enough to justify the running time nor the suspension of disbelief needed when the nominal good guys and a struggling against form Costner baddie cross paths for seemingly the umpteenth time. Biggest sin of all, given the central concept of the whole fucking movie, there is so little of The King on the soundtrack… A mire of dud noughties music hurts the ears instead. Which really is criminal.

3

Bill Duke directs Forest Whitaker, Gregory Hines and Robin Givens in this spot on Chester Himes adaptation.

There is nothing like a good crime writer for capturing the lingo, feel, opportunities and dangers of a time and a place. And Chester Himes’s Harlem novels are some of the best for this. This vibrantly loyal adaptation captures the rhythm and sprawl of his yarns retaining the much needed violence and the authentic humour. Well cast to even the bittiest of parts, with Robin Givens the stand out as a knock out grifter. Her charming performance is the ultimate con, distracting us and the other players with a little help from an impressive series of period true, spray-on dresses and sometimes even less. After a blisteringly lively and sexy first hour of shaggy dog storytelling the denouement is a little too contained to impress quite as much. One late 15 minute slog seems to take place on a sole sidewalk with little ingenuity. But all in all this will leave you with a broad, dirty smile on your face come the credits. A proper videoshop 18 certificate treat.

7

Brett Leonard directs Jeff Fahey, Pierce Brosnan and Jenny Wright in this dated VR take on Flowers for Algernon.

A hot mess, one that starts boldly with Pierce stating matter of factly “That’s the best chimp I’ve ever had.” This was never going to be a quality two hours but did The Lawnmower Man really need to be quite so awful? Uncertain as to what it is; a surburban set slasher, a brutalist sci-fi or a lurid southern bit of gothic means the only stand out sequence is that chimp’s attempted escape told disconcertingly from the primate’s point of view. Everything else is a sickly gumbo of differing cinematography, listless plot lines and obtuse acting styles (everyone is trying an accent) with only Pierce’s nascent star power adding any smooth to all the sharp edges. He amusingly loses more and more clothes every time he dictates his experiment notes… Take these small pleasures where you can. Fahey fails to convince either as retard or genius, in fact the shift between the two is barely noticeable. The selling point CGI FX sequences are only groundbreaking in that it was the first time someone tried to get away with work this cheap and nasty using the new technology. Inept but as this ages further that might increase its charm. At the moment it stands proud as probably the most WTF wide release in cinema history.

2

Eric Bress and J. Mackye Gruber direct Ashton Kutcher, Amy Smart and Eric Stoltz in this time travel tragedy.

Donnie Darko for the dim. Back in 2004 when it was released there was no way you’d get me to buy a ticket for an Ashton Kutcher movie made by Final Destination sequel creatives. But a decade down the line it appeared my snobbishness was foolish. A few people had said in passing they loved it and it had a surprisingly high 7.5 IMDB rating… the same current rating as Robocop, Beetle Juice and Brooklyn to give you some context. So I gave The Butterfly Effect a belated but open minded chance. Nope! Turns out I was very much right in 2004. This was fucking dreadful. Although conceptually solid (the time travel works and is neat), the inherent yet gleeless nastiness that each new timeline inflicts on its cast make this a relentlessly depressing watch, sometime elevated by just how tasteless or inept the cast are in their new reality but not in a way that justifies watching until the end. Not even for schadenfreude. There is just no droplet of joy to be wrung out from this flannel. One alternative where Kutcher wakes up a flailing paraplegic sees all the extras laugh at him for falling out of his chair. Just no… That’s a very juvenile idea of a worst case scenario, one that reveals just how emotionally disconnected this is as an experience. Amy Smart is better than the variety of parts given, while Eric Stoltz (as her nonce dad) seems to have the haunted look of a man who almost starred in the Back to the Future films in a better timeline and now by some twisted quirk of fate somehow has ended up in shit like this half heatedly barking orders at children actors behind a camcorder while trying not to spill his fake scotch. It has flavourless look of a TV movie, and the narrative focus and character development of a 500,000 word piece of message board slash fic. The very worst of a bad bunch of films I took a punt on this week, and let us not forget that’s a list that included the execrable The Lawnmower Man. Pretend you live in a reality where this does not exist.

2

Roland Emmerich direct Channing Tatum, Jamie Foxx and James Woods in this White House set actioner.

This is how you do it! Die Hard in the White House not just in concept but in spirit. Tatum is John McClane – the heroics, the narrow scrapes, the wit, the rescuing of his dysfunctional family, the conversations with his dysfunctional family, the dirty white vest, the depleting rounds of ammunition, the Boy Scout ingenuity – they just spelt his character’s name a little wrong (barely) and given him convincing hair plugs. White House Down will sit happily in your Die Hard box set as an unofficial sequel, fits in snugger than 4 and 5 for sure. The baddies even have personality… Sure it’s not Gruber, Karl or Theo but… Emmerich just gets so much right in this popping tribute. At times too much. The large ensemble of classy actors takes us away from the main action a little too often just like the 1987 original. Not the only flaw. After a punishing limo chase around the grounds of the landmark proves a mid point highlight, the action fails to find anywhere new or better to go. The buddy banter between Tatum’s muscle and Foxx’s liberal POTUS sparkles so much, you’ll be frustrated they don’t carry on side by side in the third act kicking ass and taking names together. The closing eight minutes to doomsday timer is stretched out over an actual silly 20 of viewing time. Time shouldn’t move this slowly in the big bang finale. But when it keeps moving White House Down is adept Friday night entertainment. The kind they really don’t seem to make anymore. Big and dumb, smartly so.

7

David Guy Levy directs Jeffrey Combs, Brittany Snow and Sasha Grey in this poor people torture each other for rich people’s amusement shocker.

Hard to figure out who this is for?… An Agatha Christie mansion set globule of torture porn that balks at the gore and blood that the existing fan base surely crave. The cast is the very cream of the D list. Everyone has at least one significant credit from a better liked TV show or film, which may mean the acting is of a higher standard than the genre’s baseline, but really just serves to remind you that you’d rather be watching something else and could be watching something better. Good old Jeffery Combs at least gives it his all and former pornstar Sasha Grey seems to be having more hoopla  here than the rest of the cast (the story of her career, really). Pleasantly made for an unpleasant film and what is the fucking point in that?

3

Jeff Nichols directs Michael Shannon, Joel Edgerton and Kirsten Dunst in this sci-fi road movie.

Some films just should stay a great poster or a great trailer. Kid with blue googles and superpowers is chased by everyone but  protected by his family through the highways, motels and gas stations of the South. Should be great. Kinetic, soulful, gritty. Moment by moment Midnight Special is a finely acted and carefully made film but it finally adds up to very little and skirts the dull hard shoulder too often overall. Riffing on Starman, Flight of the Navigator and D.A.R.Y.L. but carrying over a bit too much of that 80s cycle’s grim mysticism, Midnight Special forgets the fun and the excitement. You’ve got a cult, all the government agencies and possibly even something beyond the stratosphere pursuing our family yet they all feel benign threats – road bumps on the journey rather than killers on the road. There’s no real sense of peril as the cast trundles to a destination where we know something big will happen… but not what. Action comes in the form of juddering interruptions of surprise crashes, satellite debris showers and traffic jam kidnappings but none of these emergency set pieces seem to have any lasting effect on the plot, they are just shocker jolts to make this seem like something more worth your time than National Lampoon’s Cosmic Vacation. Then we final arrive at the M. Night Shyamalan and it is underwhelming to say the least. All the cast are better than this and the goodwill from previous sterling work makes up for stoic inertia of their parts here. Not in anyway a bad film but one that forgets both the “midnight” and the “special”, which to me is unforgivable given the title.

5

John Glen directs Timothy Dalton, Maryam d’Abo and Jeroen Krabbe in this near perfect Bond adventure.

The EON Bond machine calibrates a perfect espionage adventure and exotic romance to launch their new 80s Bond. Dalton brings a contained anger and gentlemanly seductivness missing from previous incarnations. A meaningful glance here, a subtler line reading there, he bulks up the husk of 007 with his superior acting talent. And he is given proper Fleming Bond activities to perform; sniper stand offs, jail escapes, fraught border crossings… we are dangerously close to novel Bond perfection in the smaller action beats. Only the occasional hangover from some Roger Moore intended japes still left in the script chafe with his refreshingly terse take on the superior super spy. The big set pieces are uniquely great – especially the snowbound mountain chase to the Austrian border and a brilliant fight on a wayward net hanging out the back of a cargo plane set to go boom. A satisfying amount of villians keep the plot chugging along but really it is Dalton’s actual romancing of d’Abo’s sweet Bond girl that give the stiller moments their strong core. A script that focussed as much on the kiss, kiss as the bang, bang is a welcome return to Bond’s cinematic roots. The Living Daylights joins From Russia With Love, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service and later Casino Royale (all brilliant entries too) as a Bond that tugs the heart strings as much as quicken the pulse. The final act involving James teaming up with the Taliban creates some unintended humour for modern eyes, but all in all in this is a class affair through and through. A top end, epic slice of blockbuster cinema.

9

 

Ruben Fleischer directs Woody Harrelson, Jesse Eisenberg and Emma Stone in this comedy road trip through a zombie apocalypse.

Not quite as funny as it’s clear inspirations of Ghostbusters or Shaun of the Dead, this well realised horror comedy has a constant flow of action, fun and game performances that elevate it. The writers went on to pen Deadpool and many of the self aware strengths and trickery here carry over to that. I’d say this is the sweeter and saltier ride though.

7

Charlie Kaufman and Duke Johnson direct David Thewlis, Tom Noonan and Jennifer Jason Leigh in this stop motion puppet look at one man’s insidious depression.

Amazingly realised stop motion and the nuanced adult take on the trap of mental illness make this a very easy film to praise but equally a difficult one to love. The burbling, if perfectly realised, small talk reveals its strengths and weaknesses. Yep… it is humorously accurate in how it captures the frustratingly mundane interactions of strangers and those with nothing left to say to each other. But… if it was live action rather than the soundtrack to such richly realised animation, you would have walked out after twenty minutes. Crude humour, sex and fantasy eventually crash the Kafkaesque misery but really the only bastion of satisfying entertainment contained within this metaphor for clinical sadness is the one act spark of puppet romance. When that hope is inevitably dashed against the rocks, sacrificed for the point the film exists to make, I thought “Yes, very smart but how long now until I can leave.” Not a hotel room you’d want to revisit no matter how stunningly achieved or intelligently conceived. As a one off experience though, it is very effective.

6