Bobby Carroll's Movie Diary

Michael Bay directs Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck and Liv Tyler in this sci-fi disaster blockbuster where an asteroid threatens to obliterates humanity and only a team of roughneck oil drillers can save the planet.

July of 1998. Aerosmith on permanent rotation on the radio. Two asteroid movies entering the planet’s gravitational pull. Armageddon wins. The Bruckheimer formula taken to the max. Editing that’d make Tony Scott close his eyes. Retina dazzling colours often erupt through deep blacks. It ain’t a smart film but it is shamelessly entertaining. Quirky casting à la Con Air… the same amount of cheese, heart and script doctored wit. I remember holding a summer girlfriend’s hand tightly when Affleck sang his goodbyes to Liv Tyler, I remember a tear in my eye during the big emotional John Wayne heroic sacrifice. The stuff in space ain’t as involving as the breezy set-up but in general this fills the big screen and an evening in a way that even Nolan or Miller might be overwhelmed by. A pop bubblegum epic. Dumb but epic.

Michael Bay directs Ben Affleck, Kate Beckinsale and Josh Hartnett in this war movie bolting on a love triangle romance to the WWII “day that will live in infamy.”

So with Bad Boys, The Rock and Armageddon all delivering muscular one-watcher satisfaction, Bay was dangerously close to stealing Speilberg’s throne as the king of the blockbusters. Sure, his work was blunter and less ambitious. Yet it had less pretensions and the craft felt cutting edge. Youthful. So a WWII Titanic-tinged period piece seemed like an overreach. Cameron can pull this shit off. The ‘fuck the frame’ guy… less so. The middle hour where Pearl Harbour gets obliterated is spectacular. Bay knows how to light and dress Beckinsale so she looks every inch a classic era movie star. The romance though is a duffer with Hartnett feeling like meat in the room. And the historical drama sees big actors (Baldwin, Voight, Mako) stifled by museum dusty characterisations. I’m pretty easy going about inaccuracy and artistic licence but this does feel in bad taste… and boring.

7/4

I write regular features about live comedy for British Comedy Guide here https://www.comedy.co.uk/people/bobby_carroll/features/

Alfred Hitchcock direct Farley Granger, Ruth Roman and Robert Walker in this thriller where a man with an inconvenient wife meets a right charmer on the train who offers to off his missus if he’d only return the favour.

Pretty much invented High Concept. What if two men swapped murders? Every Highsmith thriller I’ve seen or read is about a protagonist working very hard to never have to work. Protagonist?! Yeah… I said it. Who is watching this and rooting for Farley Granger’s tennis dweeb? Robert Walker’s Bruno is an absolute boy. Insidious smoking jacket sociopath. The finale with the out of control carousel is a rollicker. So many inventive shots. Only the dull goodies hold this back from Hitch perfection.

9

Perfect Double Bill: Throw Momma From The Train (1987)

You can follow me on Letterboxd here https://letterboxd.com/BobbyCarroll/

Luca Guadagnino directs Zendaya, Josh O’Connor and Mike Faist in this sexually charged sports movie following a lust triangle between three tennis hopefuls over thirteen years of bedroom highs and career lows.

Extreme, bright and confident filmmaking that tarts up a rather predictable plot. Is the intrusive hard beat rave score by Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross necessary? I don’t know but I was bouncing in my seat and happily ignoring the dialogue whenever it piped up. Is the scene with all the extras’ penises necessary? Yeah… if anything it showed what a tease the rest of the movie is considering how close to nudity the three leads skate into throughout but teasingly never achieve. Was the time rally, back-n-forth storytelling necessary? It is about tennis and thrusty humping… so… yeah… duh! What about the pathetic fallacy hurricane that leads into the sunny finale? Necessary? Well… maybe not. What about every trick shot in the book being whipped out and waggled about for that patience testing sunny finale? Is that necessary? Maximalist cinema. Gotta get the kids in somehow. Zendaya’s first movie that belongs to her and I’m slowly getting on board with ‘arthouse Ron Howard’ Guadagnino’s hyped offering. Would watch again.

7

Perfect Double Bill: Wimbledon (2004)

I write regular features about live comedy for British Comedy Guide here https://www.comedy.co.uk/people/bobby_carroll/features/

Wes Ball directs Owen Teague, Freya Allan and Kevin Durand in this sci-fi adventure where a teen chimp has to free his peaceful tribe from enslavement while protecting a mysterious human who may unlock both the past and the future.

Refreshes one of the most satisfying franchises out there with a simple but often astounding quest. The unfussy plot leaves bags of room for risky set pieces, muscular characterisation and believable world building. Stand-out villainy from Durand’s tyrant bonobo. Caesar is dead, long live Caesar!

8

Perfect Double Bill: Prey (2022)

You can follow me on Letterboxd here https://letterboxd.com/BobbyCarroll/

Cameron Crowe directs Tom Cruise, Penelope Cruz and Cameron Diaz in this existential psychosexual romance where a successful man’s dream life turns into a waking nightmare.

A big budget folly. Takes everything fascinating about Alejandro Amenábar’s 1997 Spanish film Open Your Eyes and stretches it out. The paranoid atmosphere works in fits and starts. You never feel like there is tangible plot that all the mystery and confusion can anchor into. Tom, bless him, is out of his depth as the broken disfigured version of himself. Hard to believe so many of the takes used in the final cut were his least cringey tries. Having said that the blockbuster art film production looks amazing. Diaz and Kurt Russell put in rare acting shifts and truly shine. There are a couple of iconic set pieces (deserted Time Square / a car crash / bedroom face shifting) that really amp up your unease. But any film that ends on three lengthy scenes of flat exposition just ain’t my bag. Well done everyone on working outside their wheelhouse but this, at best, is a noble failure. A worthy marathon. See you again in twenty years when I forget how testing you are Vanilla Sky.

5

Perfect Double Bill: Eyes Wide Shut (1999)

I write regular features about live comedy for British Comedy Guide here https://www.comedy.co.uk/people/bobby_carroll/features/

Penelope Spheeris directs Jim Varney, Diedrich Bader and Erika Eleniak in this remake of the old TV series.

Much talent and energy is wasted dashing about in search of a joke. Any joke. Recreates the famous credit sequence and sitcom set-up in colour… after which the writers then just insert the plot of the first Addams Family movie for little reward.

3

Perfect Double Bill: Sgt. Bilko (1996)

You can follow me on Letterboxd here https://letterboxd.com/BobbyCarroll/

Danny DeVito directs Kathleen Turner, Michael Douglas and himself in this black comedy where a long married couple battle each other to the death when their love goes sour.

Strange to think that this bleak, cynical anti rom-com was in steady rotation with Twins and The Three Amigos in my childhood viewing habits. My sister and I loved it as an alternative sequel to the Joan Wilder / Jack T. Colton adventures, and I realise looking back Michael Douglas was the one movie star who could get both my Mum and Dad to drop us off at the grandparents and go see a new release on opening weekend. He’s a slick scumbag here. It is hypnotic experiencing such an arrogant piece of shit watch his world fall apart. Whereas in your standard Douglas thriller the trauma is mainly psychological, here the whacks are escalating pratfalls with a co-star he has long established heat with. Turner is a classier prospect, always has been. She felt out of sync with Eighties – her flawless beauty and all-rounder talent base feeling more akin to a Rita Hayworth or a Lauren Bacall. So watching her crack is like watching a priceless Ming Dynasty vase slowly be crushed in a vice. DeVito’s sensibilities and pacing are spot on. His palette is just as expressionistic as Burton or Sonnenfeld were in this period. He still feels like an underrated director. There are some scene transitions and deadly slapstick set pieces here that are all-timers. And the whole thing is strangely moral. Homunculus.

8

Perfect Double Bill: Serial Mom (1994)

I write regular features about live comedy for British Comedy Guide here https://www.comedy.co.uk/people/bobby_carroll/features/

Ol Parker directs Julia Roberts, George Clooney and Kaitlyn Dever in this romantic comedy where a long-divorced couple go to Bali to stop their daughter’s spur of the moment wedding.

Expensive fluff with relaxed stars and enviable locations. The best you can say about it is it finds screentime time for the always wonderful Billie Lourd. If it were black and white and starred Grant & Hepburn we’d think of this as a Golden Age classic but times have moved on.

5

Perfect Double Bill: Runaway Bride (1999)

You can follow me on Letterboxd here https://letterboxd.com/BobbyCarroll/

Laure de Clermont-Tonnerre directs Emma Corrin, Jack O’Connell and Matthew Duckett in this adaptation of D.H. Lawrence’s classic, controversial fuck novel.

An unnecessary remake. Every generation needs their period frolic in the sunshine I guess. Lashings of sex and nudity. Duckett as the cuck and Joely Richardson (stunt casting) as Mrs Bolton put in the best shifts. Have a slither of ambiguity about them. The costume design and production is very bright and tactile. Understands Lawrence’s vision, politics and philosophy but then again so did the Ken Russell’s mini series.

6

Perfect Double Bill: Lady Chatterley (2006)

I write regular features about live comedy for British Comedy Guide here https://www.comedy.co.uk/people/bobby_carroll/features/

Alan Parker directs Robert Arkins, Michael Aherne and Maria Doyle in this Irish musical comedy where a young hustler recruits a soul band from the estates of North Dublin.

Iconic and very quotable. Foul mouthed as opposed to genuinely gritty. A rainy fairytale. The music makes it. Mad to think Robert Arkins who carries the ensemble with charisma and timing never really worked on a big film again.

7

Perfect Double Bill: Sing Street (2016)

You can follow me on Letterboxd here https://letterboxd.com/BobbyCarroll/