Bobby Carroll's Movie Diary

Andrew Davis directs Steven Seagal, Tommy Lee Jones and Gary Busey in this Die Hard on a navy battleship rip-off.

Top 10 highlights from this belated Under Siege rewatch:

1. Erika Eleniak pops out of a cake and shows her breasts. This got rewound a lot in my youth and I wasn’t the only one. VHS rental stores needed to replace their copies when this moment got worn out quickly… making unprecedented ‘big box’ sales for Warner Brothers.
2. Tommy Lee Jones pretending to be a bluesy, hippie dippy rock ‘n’ roll frontman to access the ship. Buffoonery sanctioned.
3. Fast hands knife fight concluding set piece between Jones and Seagal. Heart pounding, brutal.
4. Gary Busey, in drag, looking wilder than a bobcat, asking if he looks mentally unstable. Perfect cartoon villains.
5. Seagal shows how to make a time bomb out of a fork, a scouring pad, a mug, white vinegar, oil and a microwave. I think that would work. That Casey Ryback is some chef.
6. Seagal imprisoned in a meat locker thinking he can charm his armed guard into letting him out by telling him he has ‘shit for brains’ repeatedly. This is inarguably the pinnacle of his cinematic career.
7. Seagal taking down a corridor of goons by holding two uzis in a cross-cross fashion and just walking forward.
8. The entire support cast of the far superior Davis’ The Fugitive just lurking about as disposable henchmen and unnamed officers.
9. Seagal kissing Eleniak in the epilogue in spite of zero chemistry or flirtation before. My man Casey Ryback ain’t got no time for the chat up during a hostage situation but he will dress a Playboy playmate up as a teenage boy before he forces himself on her.
10. Seagal uses his improbable endless supply of grenades to blow up a grounded helicopter just so he can run away, jump over the edge of the boat and dangle à la Die Hard.

I persuaded Natalie this was going to be better than she expected and I was correctomundo. But how am I going to persuade her that Under Siege 2 will not live up to the high bar this cheesy trash Saturday night spectacular sets?

7

Perfect Double Bill: Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995)

Uberto Pasolini directs Ralph Fiennes, Juliette Binoche and Claudio Santamaria in this historical drama where Odysseus returns to Ithaca decades after the victory of Troy to find his wife besieged by violent suitors.

The ugly digital photography ruined this for me. Is it better at catching actor’s faces by firelight? You get to see Ralph’s cock early doors. The finale is gripping and violent. The whole thing does feel like a play shot on location. Very dialogue and performance driven. The nuance matters. But it moves at a stately pace without much variation.

5

Perfect Double Bill: Troy (2004)

I write regular features about live comedy for British Comedy Guide here https://www.comedy.co.uk/people/bobby_carroll/features/ and my own Substack https://substack.com/@edinburghlaughterbulletin

Abel Ferrara directs Willem Dafoe, Asia Argento and Christopher Walken in this erotic thriller where two contractors hire a call girl to infiltrate a tech mogul.

Near incomprehensible technobabble neo-noir with a Pretty Woman makeover. Walken’s aggressive overacting and tons of nudity do at least stop you from checking out and nodding off. Pretentious sleaze.

3

Perfect Double Bill: The Funeral (1996)

Nia DaCosta directs Brie Larson, Teyonah Parris and Iman Vellani in this Marvel comic book sequel where Captain Marvel, Ms. Marvel and another one swap places every time one of them uses their powers.

The first half an hour I kicked myself for not seeing this at the cinema on release. It was sparkly, energetic and cute. Brie Larson has star power but isn’t given the right spotlight here. Iman Vellani is the real protagonist… but I haven’t bothered with her TV show and her dynamic is very much ethnic Tom Holland. Everyone deserves more really. I liked Nia DaCosta’s Candyman reboot but she is lost in the shuffle here. The two quirkier set pieces riled up the spoilt fanbase. They’re OK but not leant into hard enough. The formula is still the overriding force.

5

Perfect Double Bill: Captain Marvel (2019)

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Wes Craven directs Linda Blair, Lee Purcell and Jeremy Slate in this made-for-TV chiller where a horse girl begins to suspect her visiting cousin of being evil when she wakes up covered in boils and her boyfriend, her brother and her father all fall under the suspicious new girl’s thrall.

She looks like a curvy chipmunk, squeaks a lot too and I’m there for that. What a soft spot I have for Linda Blair’s post The Exorcist career descent! It is all sludge. The pretensions of Exorcist II. The near unwatchable Savage Streets and overrated Hell Night. Still yet to rewatch Chained Heat and Repossessed. Here we get some very light, near undetectable, horror mystery for an hour and then ten minutes of transformations and car chase stunts as pudding. Wes’ usual subversion and technical craft are nowhere to be seen but I get the feeling this was a learning experience for him. Based on a novel by the writer of I Know What You Did Last Summer. Cringey Dad needs to have a word with himself.

4

Perfect Double Bill: Hell Night (1981)

Emile Ardolino directs Whoopi Goldberg, Maggie Smith and Kathy Najimy in this fish out of water comedy where a lounge singer is forced to hide in a convent after being placed in a witness protection program.

Was on heavy rotation on telly in my teens. A solid vehicle for Whoopi (weren’t they all) but again forgets to do much of anything between the set-up, the montages and the trailer moments. Just glides on autopilot – making studio executives mad dollars and wrapping us in the comforting blanket of not having to think rational thoughts for 90 minutes. Pap, pop, product but pleasant.

5

Perfect Double Bill: Sister Act 2: Back In The Habit (1993)

I write regular features about live comedy for British Comedy Guide here https://www.comedy.co.uk/people/bobby_carroll/features/ and my own Substack https://substack.com/@edinburghlaughterbulletin

David Derrick Jr., Jason Hand and Dana Ledoux Miller direct Auli’i Cravalho, Dwayne Johnson and Hualalai Chung in this Disney animated sequel where Moana quests to find other islanders.

I was never a huge fan of the first entry and this feels forced and unnecessary. Bright but chaotically plotted. I read afterwards it was converted from six short TV episodes into a feature and that makes a lot of sense.

4

Perfect Double Bill: Moana (2016)

Sidney Lumet directs River Phoenix, Judd Hirsch and Christine Lahti in this drama where a family of radicals who live on the run hit a crossroads when their teenage son wants to live his own life.

A solid drama with maybe a little too much focus on the teenage son. Hirsch and Lahti get a couple of grandstanding scenes (her confrontation with her estranged father is particularly good) but this is River Phoenix’s show throughout. And if I were Sidney Lumet and I had the goods I wouldn’t focus it any other way either. But it does lead to a few scenes that are tonally off. Why during the big emotional finale are certain characters silent? Seems untrue. Still, great stuff in spits and spots.

7

Perfect Double Bill: The State I Am In (2000)

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Brian Helgeland directs Heath Ledger, Paul Bettany and Shannyn Sossamon in this medieval adventure comedy where a peasant fakes nobility to compete in a series of profitable jousts and sword fights.

A lark… for a bit. The best display of Heath Ledger’s natural star power. So… it is sort of a shame that Paul Bettany’s oft naked and always raucous take on Geoffrey Chaucer steals the movie out from under him. Bettany’s becomes a hype man for the fake knight. Adding a real energy and pizazz to the one-note jousting sequences. Riding at each other with massive poles is exciting… for the first and, maybe, the second time. After that it gets very repetitive. You could say that of the film entire. All the best stuff is in the first act. It doesn’t have much more to do after it sets up its world of sitcom supports, anachronistic songs and cheeky product placement. And then it takes too long spinning that wheel to nowhere. Charming but a one-watcher.

6

Perfect Double Bill: The Brothers Grimm (2005)

Rob Spera directs Anat Topol, Gary Sloan and Mary Shelley in this direct to video rip off of Rosemary’s Baby.

Cheap shitty horror.

2

Perfect Double Bill: Witchcraft II: The Temptress (1990)

I write regular features about live comedy for British Comedy Guide here https://www.comedy.co.uk/people/bobby_carroll/features/ and my own Substack https://substack.com/@edinburghlaughterbulletin