Troy (2004)

Wolfgang Petersen directs Brad Pitt, Brian Cox and Eric Bana in this epic yet truncated retelling of Homer’s The Iliad.

Golden yet lifeless. Big yet distracted. First time I watched this at the cinema I couldn’t get my head around Brad Pitt’s torso. I was definite it had been CGI’d on. This time I got the Classics degree commentary track treatment from my wife. I know all the changes to the text now… which Gods are missing… which battles lasted ten years rather than four minutes. I feel so educated, I also feel like I wanna watch Clash of the Titans instead. Orlando Bloom is a pussyhole in this… all this massacring, thousand ships trouble because he was a pussyhole. You have problems when the only sympathetic character in your entire production of hundreds is played by Rose Byrne. A hit in its day I guess this is only really of interest now as the forerunner to Game of Thrones. The same writing team reworked George R R Martin’s series of books the way they adapted Homer here. A soapy concoction of stoic duty, rapes, face-offs, plotting tyrants and pretty boy swooning.

5

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