Michael Crichton directs Richard Benjamin, Yul Brynner and James Brolin in this robot populated theme park gone awry science fiction thriller. 

Whisper it… but the original Westworld can actually be quite a trudge when you are watching it. Little happens, slowly… and with asides to subplots that matter less and less to the main thrust. Yet give it a day or so after viewing to percolate and any dawdling narrative and cheap set dressing is easy to ignored. You remember Yul Brynner’s relentless killing machine pursuing you. You remember the excitement of arriving at Delos. You remember the terror as the robots reveal themselves. From Terminator to Jurassic Park to Inception it is an irremovable block of the modern blockbuster’s DNA; wonder gives way to danger gives way heroism. As essential as Star Wars.

8

Charles Russell directs Jim Carrey, Cameron Diaz and Peter Greene in this tale of a put upon bank clerk who uses a magical mask to become a chaotic cartoon character who wins the girl. 

Cameron Diaz’s boiling hot debut introduction and the joy of seeing Jim Carrey at his box office peak mean this will never be forgotten but maybe it should. The jokes, though well rendered and enthusiastically delivered, are at best snort-a-little smart rather than laugh-out-loud funny. While the near ubiquitous smoking of fags in a family film make this seem like a relic compared with classmates like Jurassic Park or Mrs Doubtfire. The kinda colourful and energetic film that exists better in your head as a distantly remembered concept than as an actual experience to sit through again with modern, adult eyes.

5

Tony Gilroy directs Jeremy Renner, Rachel Weisz and Edward Norton in this parallel-quel to the incomparable Matt Damon spy on the run series. 

At the cinema this was marred by a draggy middle section and a schizophrenic lead performance from Renner. He’s given a thankless task really, and not just in filling Matt Damon’s gargantuan shoes. Aaron Cross is painted as a wiseass, a clucking for a fix junkie and a former walking vegetable throughout the narrative, hardly the kind of soulful killing machine we can root for even if we eventually settled on just one personality. Weisz does some of the heavy lifting in the likability stakes, she can sure boost a blockbuster with her committed input (see Chain Reaction or Constantine)… yet even her character’s intellect seems to slalom between genius and jughead as the plot demands it. On second viewing, with expectations lowered, the action stands out. The elongated Eiger Sanction style first act, the conspiracy shoot outs in research labs and woodland mansion are the stuff that most top end actioners would proudly home. And the final chase reaches the intensity of a similar sequence in Terminator 2. That’s a high enough bar to reach for even if we were expecting the franchise to at least stretch for its blood relatives revolutionary standards instead. Perfectly watchable.

6

Frank Henenlotter directs Kevin Van Hentenryck, Terri Susan Smith and Beverly Bonner in this cult horror classic about a wide eyed boy who takes his tumorous, muderous detached siamese brother to the Big Bad Apple… in a basket. 

One of those small but select band of VHS covers that kept me terrified of my videoshop as a kid but has since grown by near legendary proportions in my imagination, this one actually even lived up to my long gestating mind hype. It is a great little quirky horror in the ReAnimator mould –  with daft but spirited performances, message in a bottle guerrila location shots of recession Times Square… plus madly ambitious and inventive creature and gore work. The edges are charmingly rough but the end result (while as about as scary as ET) is as accidentally soulful as King Kong. Kevin Van Hentenryck and Terri Susan Smith’s weirdo lovers are laugh out loud funny to boot. A treat.

7

Ron Howard directs Mel Gibson, Gary Sinise and  Delroy Lindo in this prestige thriller about a NYC millionaire who turns the tables on his son’s kidnappers. 

An achingly classy thriller from the Mel machine when it was churning such perfect blockbuster product out three times a year. Top to bottom the cast is impeccable, almost a Who’s Who of genre actors from the 90s. Surprisingly emotionally involving and risk taking, the current spate of Takens and the like owe a lot to this more lavishly crafted entertainment.

9

Robin Hardy directs Britannia Nicol, Graham McTavish and Honeysuckle Weeks in this rough sequel to his pagan classic The Wicker Man.

A late in the day legacy scarring retread of the horror classic with not an iota of the eerie inevitably, folk quirk or superior performances. Pantomime violence, acting and politics meet amateurish cinematography. Dimpled skin sex scenes half-heartedly stir a bland plot while you endure it all… at least hoping Christopher Lee’s cameo might perk things up. It doesn’t.

1

Neil Jordan directs Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise and Kirsten Dunst in this strange adaptation of the homoerotic gothic bestseller. 

Better than I remember but the main pleasures are some fantastic production design and the campily illicit thrill of watching megastars Cruise (working well against type) and Pitt (not quite there yet in a role Tom would have wisely turned down in the 80s) engaging in a frilly same sex relationship and raising a child. Dunst in her debut blows everyone else off the screen with a turn that bleeds both malice and pathos. When she is shunted to the background and Cruise disappears for the second hour everything becomes dull and uncertain. You get the feeling the whole thing could do with either a focussed plot or a breezier Forrest Gump / Benjamin Button style narrative; with our bloodsuckers interacting through history a little more… and either way a little nastier too, please. What we wind up with is the tale of how one vegan vamp couldn’t find anyone to go see Tequila Sunrise with at the cinema. Too handsome and transgressive enough to dismiss but hardly the stuff of nightmares.

6

Jimmy Hayward directs Josh Brolin, Megan Fox and Michael Fassbender in this supernatural steampunk western based on the far simpler DC comic character.

I loved Jonah Hex comics as a teenager (in fact, a run written by Hap and Leonard author Joe R Lansdale served as a primer to my favourite genre writer) so I avoided this knowing good and well its deserved reputation as a stinker. A fantastic cast , well attired, struggle in a sliced and diced hot mess. You can see where it has been truncated, reshot and then overstretched – a stock recurring shot of Brolin on horseback racing to the next gorefree and tensionless rushed setpiece almost plays like unintentional pop art on its third inclusion. A barely followable opening sequence where Hex is disgraced, bereaved and left for dead should have been the meat of the film… all the mechanical megadeath weapons and such distract. There are glimmers of hope; a late addition sequence where Hex revives an uncredited Jefferey Dean Morgan from his grave has the rare luxury of breathing room given to it – the mere fact it moves at a pace where you can enjoy the interaction means it stands out like a sore thumb – and I actually credit that non-canon supernatural superpower given to the anti-hero, here’s hoping the future comics or reboot make some use of it. That’s not enough to justify wasting 80 minutes of your life on this effects heavy abortion though. Joins Fantastic 4 and Suicide Squad as an incomplete puzzle of a former film completely scrambled by post production interference. You want to decipher and excavate to see the whole experience hidden within but know the wreckage is not worth spending any more time exploring.

3

Mark Rydell directs John Wayne, Roscoe Lee Browne and Bruce Dern in this western where The Duke employs a team of children to herd his cattle when gold fever siphons away all the adults nearby.

A fun, beautiful and emotionally affecting western which celebrates and stripmines Wayne’s incomparable star power efficiently as he approaches the end of his career. His mythic but dated appeal here chimes brightly against modern elements, not just in his gruff paternalism for the rootin tootin brood of mini-cowhands, but in unpredictable harmony with Dern’s performance and Rydell’s direction – both of which scream New Hollywood in the face of the naturally old fashioned elements of the genre and adventure. Roscoe Lee Browne’s dignified and determined cook almost steals the show from the lead in a gorgeously scripted part.

8

Wolfgang Reitherman, Hamilton Luske and Clyde Geronimi direct Betty Lou Gerson, Rod Taylor and Cate Bauer in this Walt Disney adaptation of the puppy kidnapping classic by Dodie Smith.

As a kid this was always one of those Disneys that I enjoyed but never loved… so imagine my surprise when a good 25 years further down the line I rediscovered just how brilliant it all is. I’m a dog loving bloke, so that accounts for some of the resonance, especially in the charming animation of Pongo, Perdita and the Twilight Bark across London, out into the countryside. The opening parallel romance between humans and dalmatians is affecting, the unexpected dips into grittier emotions (the clock ticking as the stillborn 15th pup is rubbed, P&P’s arduous snowbound trek across the countryside to reach Hell Hall) satisfying, and the adventure finale hums with echoes of The Great Escape, thrilling. The songs are used sparingly, a credit in my opinion as there is no ballady filler. Massive shout out too for Ken Anderson’s hard outline designs of London city life. Thanks to him the overall look is wonderful despite partly being a cost saving experiment at the time – possibly I’d say this is the most beautifully conceived animated feature I have ever watched. And Cruella De Vil is an iconic villian; manic, focussed and wrapped in acrid smoke and death. Chillingly fun but you already knew that. All in all, the faultless stuff that dreams are made of.

10