Ruben Fleischer directs Jesse Eisenberg, Danny McBride and Aziz Ansari in this action comedy about a pizza delivery driver forced to rob a bank when scheming idiots put a bomb around his neck. 

I remember reading an essay length article on the true story this ridiculously annoying film is based on. I remember thinking John C Reilly would make an excellent lead for the tale of a sad sack loser who the authorities weren’t sure was truly at threat from the bomb around his neck… even after the bomb went off, killing him. That would have made a gripping drama – a sort of Dog Day Afternoon meets Speed. Instead we get a lacklustre Eisenberg surrounded by the brashest of “comedy” support. Fucking Nick Swardson is in it. Only Kevin Hart could make matters more detestable. Tone deaf and dumb from start to mericifully short finish. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

2

 

Dorota Kobiela and Hugh Welchman direct Douglas Booth, Jerome Flynn and Saoirse Ronan in this animated biographical mystery trying to retrace Vincent Van Gogh’s last year. 

The first fully oil painted animated film. Quite an admirable achievement. And that’s pretty much where the praise ends. A dull Citizen Kane retread with no real puzzle to solve. Most of the voice performances seem disconnected like ghosts from the slow moving images onscreen. It is probably the the first and last Saoirse Ronan flick I’d never try again. One bright point is Eleanor Tomlinson, who manages to make more of an impression than the bigger names in the cast. She is at least flirtily memorable as the innkeeper’s daughter.

3

 

Yorgos Lanthimos directs Colin Farrell, Rachel Weisz and Léa Seydoux in an absurdist dystopian black romantic comedy about a divorcee who has a limited time to find new love or he will be turned into a lobster, a creature of his own choosing. 

A rich black comedy full of character actors you love, delivering deadpan turns in a truly unique situation. Everyone is better off from being involved in such a sharp, bleakly involving satire. Laugh out loud funny, emotionally disturbing and with some keen observations on the meaning of love and loneliness. I’d be a hummingbird.

8

Luca Guadagnino directs Timothée Chalamet, Armie Hammer and Michael Stuhlbarg  in this Eighties set romance between a holidaying teen and an American grad student. 

A very beautiful, relaxed movie. But essentially it boils down to rich people with rich people’s problems. I’m not entirely sure they even have problems here. I popped out to grab a Coke at the midway point, came back and asked my wife “Have they fucked yet?” knowing full well that the film was a bit of a prick tease and they wouldn’t have. I guess, like last year’s ridiculously overhyped Moonlight, this type of arthouse experience is a sorta Rorschach Test. It is a vacant piece of lushness that the viewer has to bring their own engagement and connections to. I’m a vacant husk though. All I bring is a desire to entertained by more than posh aesthetics. I need more than surface even if it is as sumptuous as this sheeny shiny surface is. All three key male performances are well essayed, Stuhlbarg  knocks his final monologue right out of the park and slam bang into poor old Oscar’s Best Supporting eye. And there is good use of the evergreen Psychdelic Furs track, Love My Way.

6

Taylor Hackford directs Kathy Bates, Jennifer Jason Leigh and Christopher Plummer in this Stephen King mystery where are an estranged daughter finds herself reconnecting with her mother while the local police look into a murder the older lady is prime suspect in.

A potboiler, character based adaptation of King’s investigation of three women and two deaths separated by decades and secrets. The performances are universally solid, the direction unnecessarily inventive but it all pans out a little too neatly, too tritely and without the expected blood that King’s brand was a golden promise of back then.

6

Byron Howard, Rich Moore and Jared Bush direct Ginnifer Goodwin, Jason Bateman and Idris Elba in this animated buddy cop movie where a rookie rabbit and a hustling fox investigate a conspiracy in a city where animals of all sizes and instincts cohabit peacefully. 

A pleasant surprise. An action comedy movie for kids with strong chemistry between the mismatched leads and a Looney Tunes-esque sense of scale and surrealism to the action spectacle.

7

Armando Iannucci directs Steve  Buscemi, Simon Russell Beale and Michael Palin in this black political farce surrounding the infighting that followed the death of the USSR’s key dictator.

Iannucci has a distinct house style. Ambitious but uncertain middle managers bullying each other into jaded compromises. Here with the backdrop of the Soviet Union’s darkest period, where an ill timed insult could result in disappearances rather than a press release, it adds a compelling acerbic edge to the banter and backstabbing. If you are a fan of The Thick of It or In the Loop you must already be on board, but the ensemble assembled here, with an exasperated Buscemi and a bullish Jason Issac’s leading the way, is something else. A real class act and this year’s funniest comedy.

8

John Huston directs Michael Caine, Sylvester Stallone and Pele in this World War II set Nazis versus Prisoners of War football match “bank holiday afternoon classic.”

Like Scarface or The Matrix this is a favourite movie of people who don’t really like movies. The equivalent of someone saying Genesis or Coldplay is their favourite band. It is lacklustre but inoffensive. Any real terms stakes established are obliterated by the cop out happy ending. Yeah, just let em wander out among the crowd. No bullets fired. I’m pretty sure the Nazis were a bit more brutal and efficient than that, even Bank Holiday Movie Nazis. Aside from Pele, I’m not even sure the footie on display is even all that good. A Sunday League The Great Escape. As such my overly generous sentiment after enduring this again is that it is nice they are trying to match the Premier League but you wouldn’t go out of your way to watch it.

4

Jack Nicholson directs himself, Mary Steenburgen and Christopher Lloyd in this revisionist western set romantic comedy about a condemned scoundrel who is given the choice of the noose or marrying a local spinster. 

Relaxed ambling fun. Directionless and lacking any depth, were it not for the fact that Nicholson has assembled quite the roster of alternative talent to don dirty sou’westers and spit tobacco around the mismatched couple. John Belushi! Danny Devito! Veronica Cartwright! Wow-ee, if only it weren’t a disposable little oddity and had a tad more ambition to entertain. For Jack completists only, of which I count myself one.

5

Brian DePalma directs Al Pacino, Michelle Pfeiffer and Steven Bauer in this Cuban immigrant / Miami coke trafficker update of the 1930’s Howard Hawks gangster classic. 

Let’s get down to brass tacks. If you aren’t a wannabe rapper or a bedsit weed dealer then this Scarface is a bit dull a lot of the time. It is 90 minutes of plot stretched out to nearly 3 hours with a lot of extra white, a little tit, some juicy dismemberment and Pacino’s most incoherent and first truly indulgent performance. We aren’t in full on HOO-HA territory just yet but he certainly isn’t interested in subtle or complex, even at this early point. There is a garish spaced out charm to it all and DePalma bungs in a few of his experimental set pieces to keep us buffs dazzled. But it is too fucking long. Like a cokehead at a party it rambles loudly and obnoxiously and repetitively in your ear for twice the time any sensible person would. Say goodbye to my lengthy friend.

6