Jan De Bont directs Sandra Bullock, Willem Dafoe and Jason Patric in this disaster movie set aboard a luxury cruise liner set on a collision course. 

A confession. I enjoyed this in the summer of 1997. Not enough to seek it out again. I mean… I knew it was not… in any way… Speed. So watching it again at least 19 further viewings of Keanu’s Fun Bus down the line I’m shocked with my 17 year old self, shocked with everyone involved, really. Yes – there are conceptual problems embedded into every cell like a terminal cancer this was never going to overcome. Charisma vacuum Patric is no replacement for Reeves and it’s hard to say whether having him play exactly the same character with a new name (as they actually try and fail to do), rather just ignoring the recasting and keeping him as a slightly funny looking Jack Traven, or maybe giving the script another rewrite where his character is fased out and replaced by someone a bit different or rewarding the bulk of his set piece heavy lifting to actual star Sandra Bullock would have been the better course of action. The fudge they settle on, just sinks. Then we have the oft pointed out but unignorable problem with a film called Speed 2 set on a slow moving cruise ship. To be honest some of the sequences the concept throws up could easily be made more exciting if Bullock (still charmingly fresh here when she gets more to do than be a hostage) was more obviously in the mix and a bit more directorial care taken to craft them – the propeller sequence has noticeable missed potential. The highlight in this cobbled together mess is a 15 minute sequence where ship crashes into an island town but even that is ruined by a wacky slapstick sensibility and the fact that Bullock and Dafoe seemingly are just put on pause on their jet skis while it all plays out… One reel later and they reappear in exactly the same place to carry on their escape. Surely Dafoe makes for a good villain? Well he’s never boring but inconsistent as a watery custard; smiling for holiday snaps one minute, scowling at a TV screen the next, giving all his hostages a humane chance to escape early doors, yet enfuriated to murder when some of them are trapped on his death ship. Dire, possibly the worst original to sequel quality downturn in a franchise ever.

2

 

Jodie Foster directs George Clooney, Jack O’Connell and Julia Roberts in this thriller where an ordinary Joe takes a TV studio hostage.

Money Monster has a lot going for it; the ambition to emulate set in stone Sidney Lumet classics, the best use of gorgeous George in years, a bawdy sense of humour and crisp, clean direction. It feels like a good, old fashioned night at the movies with its starry cast and simple concept, something in 1996 you would see released every other week but now is a rarer bird you want to conserve just so it doesn’t face extinction. Money Monster even adheres to my favourite movie trope; the Jerry Maguire rule of never having a scene end in the most obvious way. Sometimes brilliantly so – see Clooney’s onscreen “Yes We Can” speech to the viewing masses. So why such a low-ish score for Money Monster? The central conceit of the hostage situation rarely grips and never convinces (despite a likeably animated bit from O’Connell as our answer demanding bomb man). All becomes frankly unbelievable as the action spins out to its conclusion – a thriller with points to make rather than any concern to keeping things taut. The final half hour gives up on all semblance of authenticity to bring the survivors face to face with the true villian – Dominic West’s winningly awful “The Man.” Despite stalling on the final lap this is Foster’s best directed film so far – she really is a talent behind the camera, especially in getting comfort stretching yet amusingly dark turns from her greying leading men – but I doubt this would hold up to repeat viewings like her messier but more satisfying The Beaver.

6

Lewis Teague directs Michael Douglas, Kathleen Turner and Danny DeVito in this African bound action -comedy sequel. 

A fast cash in, that really shouldn’t work (our leads are already in love) and is noticeably less well made… Yet somehow gets away with it. Hacky Alligator director Teague may lack the instinctual behind camera mastery of Zemeckis but he can put the camera in the right place for an explosion or a gag. It all does feel a little bit bigger and a considerable bit louder. What Jewel suffers from is not less caring hands behind the wheel but a poor choice of route taken. Keeping Joan and Jack apart for much of the running time does hobble the middle act. But once we are all back together we get an achingly 80s jet chase where no one knows how to take off but the weapons are easy enough to fire, a hilariously mismatched fistfight against a Nubian tribe’s prince, some fireside smooching and a dangle over a bottomless pit with romantic apologies and proposals. More than enough to sate a fan of this type of thing all before Billy Ocean kicks in on the stereo to send you off with a massive grin on your face. Again.

7

Robert Zemeckis directs Kathleen Turner, Michael Douglas and Danny DeVito in this romantic comedy where a pair of mismatched Americans chase an emerald and find love, while various factions chase them.

This is how you do it. Blockbuster adventure aimed squarely at adults where the palpable chemistry of the stars, the wit of the script and the epic sweep of the storytelling gel into a near perfect movie. Written off as a slight Indiana Jones rip-off until audiences flocked to it in its day, this has aged like the finest of wines. Turner and Douglas have to be one of the big screen’s sexiest pairings and here watching her transform from hopeless romantic writer to bombshell hero and him from unreliable rogue to “trustworthy” foil are two of the most delightful character arcs ever explored. DeVito adds his sleazy, desperate brand of performance to the mix meaning the film never lags even when the sizzling leads are off screen. You are never too far from an amazing location stunt or laugh out loud exchange with the groovy Latin themed score tying it together with a neat bow. And then the final set piece arrives as all heavily armed parties and a gem swallowing crocodile face off and chase about an old fort is a masterclass in multi strand tension. You’ll watch with a big smile on your face and then wish they started making them like this again.

9

Ian MacNaughton directs John Cleese, Michael Palin and Graham Chapman in this big screen remix of their TV sketches.

Still amusing, but showing its age these days, the skits slalom from nostalgically familiar to creakily of their time. The anarchy of it all, however has held up well – especially in Terry Gilliam’s linking animations. They are still eye catchingly daft and provide the most audible laughs.

7

 

David Fincher directs Jake Gyllenhaal, Mark Ruffalo and John Carroll Lynch in this matter of fact look at the people who investigated a series of unsolved murders in the 60s and 70s.

Fincher is the most accomplished and exciting director working today but you get the feeling that since Zodiac he has taken all his genius, skill and craft to projects he does not care quite the same about. Some of those post-2007 movies are modern classics (The Social Network, Benjamin Button) but noticeably the work of an overqualified, gun for hire rather than a personal quest. Fincher seems actively engaged and seduced by the source material here, like this was the film he was born to make. And that clear and present obsession is the touchstone for the story entire. Fincher has recreated this dark period not to revel in a narrative where a killer is caught, or unspeakable crimes are committed, but to try and capture the emotions and actions of those who tried to make sense of the real life horrors. The code breakers, cops, reporters and Jake Gyllenhaal’s  slightly off the spectrum take on Robert Graysmith. A long, immaculately detailed look at bringing order to chaos, resolution to the still open mystery. Never has a film quite shown the grind of an investigation that goes nowhere, though Citizen X and Memories of Murder reached for the same goal. 100 minutes in and every life we meet or return to from them on out has been twisted and ruined in the aftershocks. It is not a dry movie either. The crimes are chillingly involvingly, as is Carroll Lynch portrayal of the prime suspect. Downey Jnr is a hoot in a showy role but a sly humour coarses through all moments except, pointedly, the murders themselves. Despite a focus on the day to day, it remains an engaging thriller and an actorly ensemble piece. Note perfect scene blends into note perfect scene. An overpoweringly effective journey into darkness, our hand held by those willing to keep going further and further into the murk. It is not as simple a spook house ride as the flawless shock machine of Se7en but Fincher has left us here with his true detective epic, more than companion piece to the more popular fictional serial killer horror he made his name on, this is an exhausting exhumation. By the time the credits roll you have felt like you have dug up all the graves with your bare hands. You walk away from Fincher’s masterpiece with dirt under your fingernails and images you cannot unseen.

10

Whit Stillman directs Kate Beckinsale, Tom Bennett and Chloe Sevingny in this adaptation of an abandoned Jane Austen work.

A beautiful and efficient adaptation that adds little new to the ever growing Austen filmography. The dresses are appropriately gorgeous and the cast are up to the job (though some of the mid-level parts could have found a bigger, starrier name or three). It only really comes to independent life, however, when Tom Bennett’s thick as granite suitor goes on a rambling daft monologue or Sevingny’s décolletage looks like it is going to explode in breathy mischief.

6

Tom Tykwer directs Tom Hanks, Alexander Black and Sarita Choudhury in this Saudi Arabia set tale of a businessman lost at sea amongst modern globalisation.

A messy film that struggles to align its obvious high quality elements into a whole. Tom Hanks is great here yet his central presence and the basic pitch suggest a fish out of water comedy… If you come for that then disappointment is all you’ll find. In fact disappointment purposefully laces itself around the first hour, plus an unexpected heavy dose of effective paranoia,  as Hank’s failing suit genuinely struggles with an alien business landscape and his own past errors. You don’t want to see the most liked movie star in living history be ground down and beaten quite so by modern life just like every middle aged man you know is in reality. Even if the scenery and supporting cast is exotic, that’s not a fun, light night at the flicks. Then suddenly the MacGuffin sales pitch becomes a dealt with item on the list of subplots and A Hologram for the King evolves into something more satisfying and fun. Tykwer swipes every moment, bad and good, with evocative colours. Many frames look like Magritte paintings. Hanks and he should collaborate again, but after this and Cloud Atlas, something with a bit more humour and focus. So far we keep getting these interesting swerve-balls.

6

Herbert Ross directs Woody Allen, Diane Keaton and Tony Roberts in this expanded play where Allen’s loser get advice on love from the ghost of Humphrey Bogart and his best friend’s wife.

I thought I was going to love this, the concept is great and it has always sat determinedly at the top of my unwritten list of old films I really should get around to watching since my teens. And as a light slice of Woody’s “earlier, funny ones” it is enjoyable enough. But that marvellous idea of the old school movie anti-hero giving pep talks to our introspective mess on “the dames” gets all but ignored in the middle hour meaning we are left in a kind of undercooked, Diet Annie Hall for far too long. One where some of the rape jokes and dated facial mugging during sex scenes leave a mouldy flavour even in my tasteless mouth.

5

Tobe Hooper directs David Soul, Bonnie Bedelia and James Mason in this Stephen King adaptation of vampires taking over a small town (eventually).

The miniseries that started the trend of moving King horror sagas to big budget, small screen weekenders rather than judiciously pruned movies. This has dated horribly. Criminally scareless, the acting is inconsistent (Winners – Bonnie Bodelia, Geoffrey Lewis, Julie Cobb. Losers – David Soul, James Mason.), as are the production values. The pacing though is what really fucks this over. The first half nothing happens except some small town love triangles, then… mainly off screen… we have a vampire holocaust, leaving the survivors idling outside an old, dark house waiting for the finale to gear up. They’d find their feet with these endeavours by the time IT was optioned but the waste of Hooper and Mason is pretty shocking.

3