I’ve been laid low by a nasty chest infection for most of the month. Seemed like an excellent time to hunker under the quilt on the couch and catch up on some sword and sorcery, escape into some realms of magic and fantasy.

The Black Cauldron (1985)

Ted Berman and Richard Rich direct Grant Bardsley, Susan Sheridan and Freddie Jones in this Walt Disney animated adventure where a keeper of a psychic pig takes on the evil Horned King in his search for necromancy cauldron.

A real outlier in the Mousehouse back catalogue. 15 years in the making it was produced to little profit when the studio was going through massive upheavals. It’s reputation is similar to Return To Oz. Too dark for the family market. The difference is Return To Oz is a thoroughly made, superb piece of fantasy cinema. This proves, at best, to be inconsistent. The nightmare, action elements are good. Especially the imposing evil villain. Some of the backgrounds are breathtaking. But none of the character design marries up together. The story jerks along sluggishly. The heroes are vanilla melts that no kid nor adult could find any texture to relate with. A brave attempt to make a Disney Lord Of the Rings but the end results are clearly the work of too many cooks, none of whom could remember the recipe. Too often The Black Cauldron is the wettest, dullest entry so far. Only comes to life when it is too scary for its target audience.

5

The Dark Crystal (1982)

Jim Henson and Frank Oz direct Stephen Garlick, Lisa Maxwell and Billie Whitelaw in this puppet populated adventure set in ancient world.

Bored me as a young kid, bored me as a late teenager and now as an open minded adult, The Dark Crystal still struggled to hold my attention. Just dreary, slow and not my cup of tea. I’m pretty sure this is the first time I’ve managed to complete the whole thing in one sitting… it is 93 minutes loooong. I understand its achievements but beyond the unique technicalities nothing much happens at a deadly pace.

3

The Princess Bride (1987)

Rob Reiner directs Robin Wright, Cary Elwes and Mandy Patinkin in this fairy tale adventure where a long lost lover rescues a betrothed heroine.

Somehow meta yet sincere. The most lo-fi in terms of FX in this mini-session. And easily the most magical. As a kid I always knew this as the Andre The Giant movie?! The Princess Bride’s reputation has ballooned over past three decades both in my own head and the general public’s affections. The wit of the script, the subtle performances of the actors in what could be blunt, stock roles and the romantic sweep of the location work make it iconic. It is an experience where the charms are soft and gentle but the overall effect is near perfect. And then Billy Crystal and Carol Kane blunder in late in the day and somehow steal the show… “INCONCEIVABLE!”

9

Shazam!: Fury Of the Gods (2023)

David F. Sandberg directs Zachary Levi, Jack Dylan Grazer and Helen Mirren in the DC sequel to the kids gain superhero alter egos comic book fantasy.

The weak runt of a DC Extended Universe. We already know this wish-fulfilment world is being mothballed, making this entry essentially redundant. But taken as a family adventure movie in its own right – it works. Sandberg has logged which actors and elements popped in the first entry and upped their screentime. The humour never undermines the peril, the scale feels workable. The Greek mythology monsters brought to life in the third act are nicely horror tinged. Younger up-and-comers Jack Dylan Grazer, Rachel Zegler and Meagan Good are appealing and have clean comedy timing. The blatant product placement kinda feels old school charming. It has everything I want from a throwaway blockbuster. There are far worse dying breaths from franchise attempts out there. Hopefully this finds a bit of a cult following on streaming. A minor pleasure.

7

Jumanji (1996)

Joe Johnston directs Robin Williams, Kirsten Dunst and Bonnie Hunt in this fantasy adventure where some kids get trapped playing a deadly cursed board game that won’t stop spewing out carnage until it is won.

Another one that I kind of bypassed as a teenager but seem to have somehow watched all of in spits and spats over the decades anyway. It was better than I expected, in that Jumanji keeps the threat level going right up to the end and the humour doesn’t solely rely Williams ad libbing his little toes off. The CGI is very creaky in places and it is hard to now fully embrace a children’s flick that ultimately meant nothing to you as a kid.

6

Dungeons & Dragons : Honor Among Thieves (2023)

Jonathan Goldstein and John Francis Daley direct Chris Pine, Michelle Rodriguez and Hugh Grant in this swords and sorcery adventure based on the popular role playing game.

Plays out very much like a Guardians Of The Galaxy in leather jerkins… only with battle axes, spells and labyrinths. With also a little Ocean’s Eleven thrown in for good luck. I really lapped this up… even though I could see some flaws (Sophie Lillis’ part is shockingly underwritten, not all the potent set-pieces last much longer than a glimpse of a clever writer’s room idea). I think on rewatch this might grow on me to be more of a favourite, the topped billed are that appealing. But I’ll score it the same as Shazam 2 as it hit the same multiplex chords within me and it would be unfair to elevate one just as the ensemble is that bit more familiar.

7

My wife and I do a podcast together called The Worst Movies We Own. It is available on Spotify or here https://letterboxd.com/bobbycarroll/list/the-worst-movies-we-own-podcast-ranking-and/

Alexander Payne directs Matthew Broderick, Reese Witherspoon and Chris Klein in this high school sex comedy about a rigged popularity election.

Perhaps the greatest satire Hollywood ever made came from MTV Studios and features loads of crude gags. I mean we are talking a fair few levels above American Pie but there are still a plethora of dick and boobies jokes. The script is razor sharp, the direction unfussy but full of impact. One of the best examples of cross voiceover narration ever achieved. Matthew Broderick gets his first great adult role as the teacher in a reverse Ferris Bueller situation. This time he’s the Mister Rooney… having his life upended as he obsessively refuses to let a determined kid get away with it. He’s initially presented as decent, hard working and sympathetic which makes every sad sack facet of his fall and corruption even more delicious. Meanwhile, Witherspoon’s iconic Tracy Flick is an out-and-out monster in conservative clothing from the off. The high school milieu seems pretty authentic and Payne has a casting coup in his choosing of amateur Jessica Campbell. She rocks as the outsider candidate, the one true relatable human within all the scandals and back stabbing. Raunchy, clever and colourful – this is a highly rewatchable comedy which knows the difference between ethics and morality.

10

Perfect Double Bill: American Beauty (1999)

My wife and I do a podcast together called The Worst Movies We Own. It is available on Spotify or here https://letterboxd.com/bobbycarroll/list/the-worst-movies-we-own-podcast-ranking-and/

Ben Affleck directs Matt Damon, himself and Viola Davis in this corporate drama based on the true story of Nike’s unlikely attempt to build a basketball shoe brand around one reticent but promising rookie player.

Very much in the Aaron Sorkin / Cameron Crowe mode of intelligent people talking, arguing, persuading and selling. Every scene feels integral but have enough quirky, unpredictable treasure lurking within to switch your expectations around. It really works – buzzing with lots of people working at cross purposes to reach a common goal. And is genuinely, every scene lands a laugh, silly. Especially Affleck’s slyly self abasing take on Nike head honcho Phil Knight. This is a movie where the undercut is king. Damon gets his juiciest role in years – the morons who still equate him with Team America memes might struggle to see him out Pacino Al himself in two Five Star monologues. And Viola Davis adds real inflection and purpose to her big pages. These are the kinda acting turns Oscar voters should remember in 11 months time. A perfect ensemble in a very funny film that manages to convert business deals into personal triumph, show how there is creativity, victory and greatness in both the mundane and the grind. Keeping Michael Jordan himself a kinda spectre on the periphery works beautifully. The soundtrack is era appropriate banger after banger. One of the best comedies in years. Joyously middle aged.

10

Perfect Double Bill: Finding the Way Back (2020)

My wife and I do a podcast together called The Worst Movies We Own. It is available on Spotify or here https://letterboxd.com/bobbycarroll/list/the-worst-movies-we-own-podcast-ranking-and/

Tom Holland directs Catherine Hicks, Alex Vincent and Brad Dourif in this possessed kid’s toy horror movie that launched a never-ending franchise.

Silly, scrappy VHS movie that feels like it has lost a few chunks in post-production. The best sequence is when Chucky persuades Andy to skip school and travel across town alone on the subway. There’s not really enough Dourif… and I understand why they didn’t want to open the gate too early on Charles Lee Ray fully inhabiting the Chucky doll and going wisecracking psycho… but that is ultimately what we bought a ticket for. The ending recalls The Terminator at munchkin scale.

6

Perfect Double Bill: Curse Of Chucky (2013)

My wife and I do a podcast together called The Worst Movies We Own. It is available on Spotify or here https://letterboxd.com/bobbycarroll/list/the-worst-movies-we-own-podcast-ranking-and/

Guy Hamilton directs Michael Caine, Paul Hubschmid and Eva Renzi in this Cold War espionage movie where Harry Palmer crosses the Berlin Wall to feel out a high ranking defector.

Probably my favourite of the Harry Palmer movies. It is a drier affair, noticeably lacking John Barry’s gorgeous score from The Ipcress File. Yet how they pull off the Checkpoint Charlie location shoot is a wonder and Caine feels fully comfortable in Palmer’s slightly shopworn yet volcanically confident skin here. All the triple crosses can get a little confusing but that’s kinda the plot what you want from one of these potboilers and the finale is silent intensity.

8

Perfect Double Bill: Bridge Of Spies (2015)

My wife and I do a podcast together called The Worst Movies We Own. It is available on Spotify or here https://letterboxd.com/bobbycarroll/list/the-worst-movies-we-own-podcast-ranking-and/

Peter Yates directs James Spader, Polly Walker and Michael Caine in this supernatural romantic comedy about a rich book publisher who becomes a little richer.

If I am found murdered in my sleep tomorrow morning then it will be due to Natalie reading the next sentence. Barely contains traces of the supernatural, comedy or romance. A big nothing of a movie with an over qualified cast.

3

Perfect Double Bill: High Spirits (1988)

My wife and I do a podcast together called The Worst Movies We Own. It is available on Spotify or here https://letterboxd.com/bobbycarroll/list/the-worst-movies-we-own-podcast-ranking-and/

Luchino Visconti directs Anna Magnani, Walter Chiari and Tecla Scarano in this Italian comedy drama where an ambitious mother squanders every resource when her daughter gets a callback to audition at Cinecittà.

If ever there was a movie they should have remade in the 1980s with Cher or Bette Midler then it should have been this. Watching the brash and volatile Magnani (she’s fantastic) go all in: risking her marriage, her well being, her reputation, her home and eventually her daughter’s happiness is hypnotic. Like a female Uncut Gems – she sinks further and further into that hole until the hole is all she knows. Still Bellisima stays funny and has a lot of sympathetic heart… Also a nice process movie as to how the Italian movie studios worked.

7

Perfect Double Bill: Le Notti Bianche (1957)

My wife and I do a podcast together called The Worst Movies We Own. It is available on Spotify or here https://letterboxd.com/bobbycarroll/list/the-worst-movies-we-own-podcast-ranking-and/

Russell Crowe directs himself, Liam Hemsworth and RZA in this thriller about a dying tech billionaire who plays a final game of poker with his old childhood pals involving art heists, luxury car races and truth serums.

Not going to kick Poker Face to death but it is hard to say exactly what it is. Starts out like Stand By Me… ends like Panic Room. Never works. Get the feeling it is all a massive tax write off… not just the piecemeal invested budget but every location, sports car and painting included seems gratuitously featured for some kind off… accounting purpose. “Nah… that’s not my new Rolex, we bought it as a prop for the film, Mr Revenue & Customs, sir.” Why is Liam Hemsworth playing someone twenty years older than himself? Why can’t it just settle down and be one definitive thing? Crowe is capable of so much more, so much better – it is difficult to fathom why he cashed in so many favours to make… this?

3

Perfect Double Bill: Owning Mahoney (2003)

My wife and I do a podcast together called The Worst Movies We Own. It is available on Spotify or here https://letterboxd.com/bobbycarroll/list/the-worst-movies-we-own-podcast-ranking-and/

Simon West directs Jason Statham, Ben Foster and Tony Goldwyn in this action thriller where a precision hitman, who can kill his targets without the murder being detected, takes on a troubled protege.

Hard edged, set in some semblance of the real world, sad. After Crank and The Transporter, The Stath went through a slightly somber period. Still making action thrillers where asses are whupped, everything explodes and kills a plenty. Yet also a subset of films that felt less gimmicky, less comic book-y. The plots had emotional hinges, Jase was expected to add a bit more with his sullen physicality than spit out one liners with gravelly voiced cool. Up until the recent Wrath Of Man, this held the title as Statham’s best non-silly one. The violence is constant after the first half hour and pretty exacting. The relationship between Statham and Foster has a grimy, uncertain vibe to it. You would almost say they have sexual chemistry together if it wasn’t for a couple of heterosexual one night stands crowbarred in for each lead so we don’t question the “professionalism” of the close partnership. Anyway, the swimming pool opener, the huge man first assignment and the hotel escape are as about as good as none CGI action got this decade… at least until John Wick. No idea why the cinematography is so constantly orange though?

7

Perfect Double Bill: The Mechanic (1971)

My wife and I do a podcast together called The Worst Movies We Own. It is available on Spotify or here https://letterboxd.com/bobbycarroll/list/the-worst-movies-we-own-podcast-ranking-and/

Lee Chang-dong directs Yoon Jeong-hee, Lee David and Kim Hee-ra in this South Korean drama where a grandmother with Alzheimer’s disease becomes embroiled in a scandal.

Yang Mi-ja just wants to take up poetry. The outside world wants to bring her back to reality with shocking revelations and impossible choices. Is poetry not the act of noticing what can be ignored or putting into words life’s beauty? Adding formalism to the everything one must encounter and process? A really involving drama, told with a lack of sensationalism (even though it can be honestly brutal in moments). An almost pastoral sense of not fitting in with the community and class systems one must navigate.

8

Perfect Double Bill: Burning (2018)

My wife and I do a podcast together called The Worst Movies We Own. It is available on Spotify or here https://letterboxd.com/bobbycarroll/list/the-worst-movies-we-own-podcast-ranking-and/