Patty Jenkins directs Gal Gadot, Chris Pine and David Thewlis in this superhero origin story that charts a mystical warrior woman’s journey from her feminist utopian island to the frontlines of World War One. 

I wanted to love Wonder Woman but ended up merely liking it. It is a good solid origin story, beautifully lensed and performed. There are real textures and believable heft to the beautiful settings, weathered costumes and period accurate extras. These quality elements are evidence of the prestigious magic of real moviemaking craft at work for four fifths of its relaxed running time. It is also satisfyingly stand alone, owing much more to Nolan’s auteur controlled “real world” Bats trilogy and pointedly less to franchise forcing WB execs. The villians are despicable which is fun… though the action is narrowly honed in on just being iconic imagery, as it rarely feels like any kinda threat or peril or challenge to Gal Gadot. Part of my issue with Wonder Woman  is it never really builds up to a whistling head of steam, except for a shoddy CGI finale that feels like it is footage dumped from 15 years ago. The wobbly FX work here almost drowns out what should be the most triumphant and intelligent peak of character development that we have clung to throughout. Also to justify my average scoring of what is a superhero flick with much to praise, I struggled with a recurring niggle that the movie never truly spells out Diana’s powers. Speed, almost flight, incalcuable strength, a lasso of truth, energy absorbing bangles, immunity to explosions and toxins – a jumble sale that covers whatever the screenwriters care to throw in to the pit at her as an action beat arises. You wouldn’t be shocked if she could spray sticky webbing from her wrist if needed come Justice League. And her only weakness is naivitey. Yet this is where the movie is the most successful. From Gadot’s amusing baffled fish out of water interactions with the ‘world of men’ (when she is clearly their superior in everyway), to her pleasingly underplayed but engaging romance with Chris Pine’s “above average” foil. They still never get around to baptising her Wonder Woman in this her second DCEU appearance but Gadot wins by taking in the chaotic WWI setting with believable wonder… and heartwrenching awe. Using one of the biggest massacres of written history as a playset for a fantasy with cackling baddies and impervious feminists might seem in bad taste on paper but the sheer optimism invested into this by both creatives and players means they actually deliver an admirable tribute. Not the second coming for the genre as hyped online, the flawed and choppy Wonder Woman Begins is still one of the most sincere and accessible comic book blockbusters since Raimi’s Spider-Man.

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Frank Henenlotter directs James Lorinz, Patty Mullen and Louise Lasser in this trashy yet self aware horror comedy about a garage mad scientist who tries to reanimate his dead fiancée using street walkers’ body parts. 

Tons of sleazy, inspired japes this – not quite as icky and as manic as Henenlotter’s Basket Case, this still sits comfortably within movies like that and ReAnimator’s entertainingly gory transgressive parameters. Strong campy performances from Lorinz as the self lobotomising boy next door and Mullen as the reassembled prostitute monster supply the laughs. There’s a level of commitment here that betrays its low budget and knowingly exploitative concept. Frankenhooker was a video rental cover that always caught my eye as a kid and it has exceeded years of my own fermenting imagined contents now I have finally found access to it.

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Aki Kaurismäki directs Sherwan Haji, Sakari Kuosmanen and Kati Outinen in this comedy drama about a Syrian refugee seeking asylum in Finland. 

A well made and well intentioned bone dry comedy using the absurdities of the asylum seeker’s experience to expose the shifts in Finland’s national identity. The spinal joke is “Why would anyone choose to live in Finland?” The answer: Civil war and happenstance. It is a narrative littered with beautiful losers and moments of static energy. But it all is a bit grim and lacks any real laughs or insights to make it worthy of the subject matter it exploits. There are some nice interludes with rockabilly buskers and a cute dog to keep you going.

5

Joe Lynch directs Salma Hayek, Akie Kotabe and Jennifer Blanc in this independent actioner as a middle-aged sex slave is laid under siege in her apartment full of weapons. 

Everly clearly aspires to be Kill Bill but on Reservoir Dogs’ budget. The one apartment setting evokes Repulsion, the opening gambit of sexual assault as a plot device really should belong to a far less glossy product and Hayek’s performance is strong despite a restrictive script. This kinda experience rises and falls on how it sustains its mania. We receive waves of gun toting hookers, deadly yakuza, sadistic supervillians and easily distracted attack dogs. And that should be enough to overwhelm us over 90 minutes. Sadly pretty much every episodes boils down to a visually stimulating nasty monologuing for just a little too long… while Hayek reaches desperately… for a weapon… if they just shut up and killed her it’d be a shorter film but a far more inspired experience.

4

 

Ray Austin directs Ann Michelle, Patricia Hines and Vicki Michelle in this sexploitation film about a psychic model who makes a powerplay in a coven of witches. 

Surprisingly sweet and wholesome for a quickie made for the dirty mack brigade… No doubt due to the BBC sitcom creatives anonymously slumming it on the other side of the camera. Colorfully shot and quirkily edited, giving loads of room for the girl actors to overpower their archetypical parts. Approach with an open mind and you might just be seduced too.

6

Stephen Sommers directs Hugh Jackman, Kate Beckinsale and Richard Roxburgh in this sloppy wannabe blockbuster using the iconography of the Universal Horror series. 

Fucking awful. The potent imagery of the 1930s classics, Jackman’s normally radiant charisma and a lot of money is drowned out by woefully amateurish CGI and unpleasant characters moaning endlessly during the choppy action. I cannot believe I gave this a second chance. Frankenstien’s Abortion would have been a more apt title.

2

 

Andrew V. McLaglen directs Roger Moore, Anthony Perkins and Michael Parks in this teatime thriller where an eccentric lord leads a diving team against a group of villains holding oil rigs to ransom. 

A bargain bin airport novel given the big screen treatment, this trundles along pleasantly, albeit with very little action. The bulk of the movie consists of talking and sneaking. But what a cast of absolute treats to go talking and sneaking around with for two distractingly old school hours. Moore excels as an anti-Bond; swigging whisky, hating women, doing cross stitch to help him think and leaving the castle estate to his pack of kittens should the rescue mission go tits up. In Moore we trust, the kittens will have to wait to sell off his ancestral pile. In throwaway boy’s own nonsense like this my Bond lives forever.

7

Robert Altman directs Keith Carradine, Karen Black and Ned Beatty in this sprawling ensemble following a week of country music, affairs and electioneering. 

The danger with writing this blog is revealing to my half dozen readers that occasionally there’s a bonafide classic that just does nothing for me. The Matrix, 2001: A Space Odyssey, E.T. and this. Other people’s favourites and universally lauded critical darlings that genuinely baffle me with their inertness. I usually enjoy a mosaic narrative (Dazed and Confused, Do the Right Thing and Pulp Fiction are among my favourite films) but this proves dawdling and purposeless. It squanders a good cast and some decent original songs on grating, pointless, obvious sequences that bored the skin off me.

3

Richard Fleischer directs  Arnold Schwarzenegger, Grace Jones and Sarah Douglas in this violent fantasy romp which sees Conan escort a nubile princess to reclaim a jewel. 

Less emphasis on the epic and more on daft kinetics, this is the most watchable of the Conan series. So it’s silly, and Olivia D’Abo is far far too young to be the Tits & Ass for the lads… it powers along through ornate sets and consistent character design pleasingly. And even with almost endless shots of Arnold’s prime warrior slaying physique, Fleischer still somehow finds room for both Eighties faves Sarah Douglas and Grace Jones to vamp it up proper rotten.

6

RZA directs himself, Russell Crowe and Lucy Liu in this wired yet reverent pastiche of retro kung-fu flicks.  

Visually opulent and well cast, this is an amped up, playground run through of all that is great about mad old martial arts flicks. It is a little too jam packed with characters and incidents to ever truly coalesce into a flowing journey. RZA’s vanity casting of himself in the lead role leaves a gargantuan charisma deficit and the jarring use of hip hop language and misogyny tarnish a fair few sequences. Still Russell Crowe and Byron Mann are particularly good value.

5