David Fincher directs Ben Affleck, Rosamund Pike and Neil Patrick Harris in this thriller adaptation of the best selling “He Said, She Said” spiteful marriage mystery. 

If any other director had turned in Gone Girl you’d be praising them for delivering a ballsy, adult, gripping, twisty treat. For Fincher, our current genius in residence for killer suspense and disturbing images, it feels like gun for hire work. Beautiful, vivid, steady, shocking expert work. But, like say Panic Room, not a project he has a true passion for. Still his name has attracted the perfect cast for the material – with Rosamund Pike finally being given a big dirty role that matches her expansive acting talent. Amazing Amy is the absolute, over organised, vindictive treat of a manipulative bitch. The initially taut plot gets bored with itself at the midway point but I assume that’s an issue inherited from the popular novel. A supermarket checkout potboiler given Oscar worthy sheen, the nasty and the gloss chime nicely together, thanks to these over qualified hands.

7

Ron Clements, Burny Mattinso, Dave Michener and John Musker direct Vincent Price, Barrie Ingham and Candy Candido in this Disney animation where the mouse below Sherlock Holmes’ Baker Street floorboards is also an eccentric, conspiracy busting sleuth. 

Made in a period of studio takeover confusion and cynicism, this will be no-one’s favourite animated classic. I remember collecting the stickers but never being taken to the ABC to see it, and we were a Disney loyal family even in the 80s. Landing nowhere near the long deceased Walt gold standard, this is often cheap looking, lacking the expected songs and imagination. It is passable enough for kids and fans, but only Candy Candido‘s gibberish grunting bat henchman shows any true spark of fun and fancy beyond the high concept spec.

5

 

Michael Gracey directs Hugh Jackman, Zac Efron and Michelle Williams in this musical biography of PT Barnum.

You love Hugh Jackman. You love big showy numbers. Then you’ll pretty much like this. It is endearingly old fashioned, spirited and a veritable kaleidoscope of silk and pageantry. Jackman is in his top hatted element. There are at least three belters in the songbook. Conversely though, there’s also four too many songs that repetitively fixate on the word ‘Dreams’, the fascinating circus cast of freaks and talents are way too often mere background dressing, and the middle act loses Barnum and those eclectic wonders for a drippy across the tracks romance between a kid and Zac Efron’s fictional character. You’d rather be hanging out with the sparkling Jackman or stunning bearded lady (played by Keala Settle) rather than wondering whether the relationship is frowned upon for racial reasons or the fact that Efron is playing the twice her (under)age boss? That is sniping though, in the main, this is a shameless entertainer with plenty of heart… which is appropriate.

7

 

Lewis Gilbert direct Roger Moore, Barbara Bach and Richard Kiel in this 007 adventure where Bond teams up with a Russian Spy to stop a marine life obsessed megalomaniac from starting a nuclear war to force humanity’s survivors into his undersea citadel. 

This, for as long as I can remember, has been my go to best Bond. The Union Jack parachute cliff jump. The underwater Lotus Esprit car. The suspenseful supertanker war sequence. Barbara Bach’s classy gorgeousness. Roger relaxing into his tenure. The brilliant Carly Simon theme song. The greatest henchman ever. But on this watch it revealed itself as a very baggy, indulgent movie. Was there a contractual obligation to spend quite so long in Egypt? The middle section is filler. The jokes not quite as memorable as other Bond zingers. Still a great Bank Holiday blockbuster but essentially, noticing its flaws, this viewing leaves Goldfinger without a rival for the top spot. I’m not sure I want to live in a world where my darling Roger isn’t the star of my favourite Fleming actioner.

8

Terry Zwigoff directs Billy Bob Thornton, Tony Cox and Brett Kelly about a drunk, perverted, anti-social safe cracker who gains seasonal employment as a mall Santa every year to rip-off the Christmas Eve take. 

A misanthropic festive diamond. There’s an independent spirit to it (visually Zwigoff is no bland sitcom helmer, the script originated with the Coen Brothers) that compliments and even elevates the dirty, gag heavy proceedings. Full of loose, unnecessary diversions that nudge it from funny to perfection. An attempted car park Santa buggery, the grandma’s obsession with sandwiches, Willie’s predilection for ladies from the “Big & Tall” section. All this extraneous detail, disconnected from the plot, paints a rich, if world weary, mini-universe for our antagonists to populate. And what a gleefully grubby set of antagonists they are! Lauren Tom’s craven, consumerist, sour-faced wife, truly the most heartless of these clowns. Tony Cox as a foul mouthed midget who has found his niche, exasperatedly keeping the scam on the rails despite his partner’s self-inflicted free-fall. Bernie Mac and John Ritter essentially sharing a role. Sure there is a clunkiness in the hastily edited together baton hand over, the feel that coverage or rehearsal footage of Ritter (who passed away mid-production) is being recycled to bring Mac into the narrative. But even these compromised scenes have a morbidly amusing energy, two dead men who probably never shared a set together having stronger comedic heat than most marquee headliners generate. Ritter’s mall boss is distastefully repressed, Mac a self assured, sabotaging force of nature as the mall security chief. Lauren Graham’s keen bartender is also a filthy delight. That’s already a ton of strong comedy acting. Then we get to the absolute gold. Brett Kelly gives one of the best child performances ever – a dumpy, inscrutable kid who wants to be this ramshackle Father Christmas’ friend. Like Kevin Spacey’s Keyser Söze or Kevin Spacey’s John Doe, it is a complete head scratching enigma of a supporting turn. Does he know the frustrating game he is playing to subtly get his own way or is Thurman Murman really that unaware? The blank, snot nosed kid runs rings around Billy Bob Thornton’s failed human. A man who had seen all the angles and can’t even be bothered to play them anymore. A man so unmotivated that suicide would be too much effort. Watching him learn the true meaning of Christmas, shrug his shoulders and search his pockets for a pint of scotch, is watching Billy Bob Thornton do what he was born to do. Just like Trading Places is the It’s a Wonderful Life for the jaded, Bad Santa is The Shawshank Redemption for the permanently hungover. Redemption tastes different when you throw up on yourself on a weekly basis. Thank the Talking Walnut, they never cashed-in and made a cheap sequel… Oh shit! Oh well…

10

Peter Faiman directs Paul Hogan, Linda Kozlowski and Mark Blum in this romantic comedy where a sexy journalist and a charming Aussie preservationist (possibly also poacher) explore each other’s worlds and try not to have ridiculously tanned sex together before the third act. 

A perfectly average 80s fish out of water comedy. These all feel dated now, as the humour, being inherently based on clashing stereotypes, grates with modern identity politics. But you can’t deny the romantic sweep and sharp wit of the subway station finale, one of commercial cinema’s best ever closing set pieces. You can tell this movie knows it has dug up extremely rare plunder too, freezing to end credits the millisecond the lead couple are satisfyingly back in each other’s arms. You will ache from the smile this smart topper leaves you abruptly with. Add to that a beautiful seductive score throughout, good location work in both the Outback and Manhattan, a smattering of decent gags… Average mediocrity has never aged quite so well.

7

Peter Hyams directs Harrison Ford, Lesley-Anne Down and Christopher Plummer in this WW2 love triangle. 

Young(ish), cusp of super stardom, Harrison Ford romance actioner filmed through a Vaseline coated lens. Fluff that wants to be Casablanca, then Catch-22, then The Great Escape. The first and last strands have their tender and their thrilling moments. Lesley-Anne Down matches the big name in period dress up sexiness. Ford points his finger when talking. How else do you want to kill an afternoon?

5

Geoffrey S. Fletcher directs Saoirse Ronan, Alexis Bledel and James Gandolfini in this indie crime comedy about two cute, underage besties who just happen to kill people – their “one last job” together being a nice, fatherly gentleman who seemingly wants to die. 

Violence and twee, ironic and touching. A muscular cast is wasted trying to mix these unmarriable concepts.

4

Irvin Yeaworth directs Steve McQueen, Aneta Corsaut and Earl Rowe in this sci-fi horror about an alien goo that increases in size every time it melts and absorbs a living thing.  

Better than it has any right to be. Quaintly shocking. Even if ‘teen’ Steve McQueen dashing about town like the boy who cried wolf is given way, way more screen time than any memorable Blob nastiness.

6

Richard Donner directs Bill Murray, Karen Allen and Bobcat Goldthwait in this mega budget yuppie update of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. 

My sister and me used to be in hysterics whenever we watched the sequence where Bill Murray is beaten up and abused by Carol Kane’s surface cutesy-wootsy Ghost of Christmas Present. That and a few glaringly tightly scripted farcical sequences aside, Donner shows zero flair for comedy direction. He’s a blockbuster kinda guy, the production has been overinflated with cameos, stunts and model work to match that. Classic Bill Murray grinching, spirited support and a feel good sing song finale cover up the fact that this has many more bulky FX than effective jokes, more scale than heart. Still, Murray suits the OTT production like butter suits toast, his perfect casting keeps the whole carnival train tightly on the rails. Considered a misfire on release, it has aged well. Turkey curry, chunky yet satisfying, ready to be devoured like the best leftovers ever.

8