Paul Michael Glaser directs Arnold Schwarzenegger, Maria Conchita Alonso and Yaphet Kotto in this sci-fi actioner where a wrongly convicted man has to fight for his life on a gaudy gladiator hit TV show.

A fair few years back I was in a car share with some comedians and one of them said something strange. This wasn’t unusual. These car rides could often be 8 hour round trips, frequently with a mix of people you barely knew. You grasped for small talk or big talk or anything that would keep the driver awake or your mind off of whatever impending shithole gig you were headed to. Most comedians are witty and intelligent people to have a chat with – movies, bands, war stories, other comedians are the main topics to debate around. Others will say ludicrous things you are stuck trying not to think too hard about the for whole evening as you are relying on them driving you somewhere you’ll get paid and then back to (hopefully within walking distance of) your home after midnight. I’m sure I’m as guilty as anyone of saying a ludicrous statement while grasping for words to fill the silence. But none as bad as the one journey that started with an act using the “N” word in a derogatory way before we had even left London. Another moaned for over a hundred miles that charity shops charged too much for the items he liked to resell on EBay for a profit. A now very famous act got into the backseat and told the driver immediately to turn the inoffensive music we were listening to off. As they “did not like music at all”. Blanket statement. That was a long car journey.

The reason for this prelude was once we were driving to Norfolk with the brilliant John Gordillo and a newer act. We were talking about favourite movies. John rhapsodised about Vertigo. I probably pumped for The Good, The Bad and the Ugly. The new guy, matter of factly, just said his favourite film was The Running Man. Of all of cinema. Like a 120 years of films. It probably wouldn’t even make most people’s Top 10 Arnie movies! Or Stephen King adaptations! And with no further justification. “I just like it.” It was such an unusual, left of field choice it stuck with me. I couldn’t hand on my heart tell you what my best friend’s or my Dad’s all time favourite is but this guy whose name I can’t even remember will forever be associated in my head with Arnold in lycra killing elaborately costumed henchmen.

I watched it quite a bit as a kid. And even had the Amstrad game. I probably stopped choosing it on a regular basis when I realised I could rent anything at the videoshop or tape a whole world of Moviedrome movies off TV. I probably haven’t watched The Running Man in its entirety since I was 13.

It is a perfect pre-teen hyper violent illicit actioner. Our innocent but deadly “Butcher of Bakersfield” faces off against a series of flamboyant action figures. One is a Japanese hockey player with exploding pucks and a razorsharp stick. An overweight opera singer who shoots lasers from a suit made of fairy lights. A hillbilly biker with a chainsaw the length of a pool table. Jim Brown with a jet pack, flamethrower and Mister Fantastic’s hair Afro-style. And Jesse Ventura. An 18 certificate movie seemingly targeted at people who can’t even shave yet. The kills are silly. Every moment of violence a set-up for Arnold to deliver a pithy punchline. “Hey! Lighthead! Hey Christmas Tree!!” “Here’s your Subzero, now plain zero.” “Well, I haven’t been in show business as long as you have, Killian. But I’m a quick learner. So, I’m going to give the audience what I think they want.” He fucking does as well.

The gameshow itself has the vibes and production values of a big Saturday night special. Fallacious host. Sparkling dance numbers. Prizes for the audience. Yuppies watch it at cocktail and coke parties. The poor huddle around mega screens in their slums making bets with bookies who surround the display. The Running Man is often criticised for Glaser’s flat TV movie direction. But these glimpses of the near-future world have a real pumping, convincing energy to them. The Fugitive and Under Siege’s Andrew Davis was kicked off production after two week of filming. Are these B-Unit moments his? Or does Glaser’s direction deserve a bit of reappraisal?

The dystopian fascist vision of the future is no great shakes if you’ve read 1984 or Fahrenheit 451. But is surprising how much has been adopted by either reality and other films. Prisons where the convicts have explosives attached intimately to them rather than bars or guards to restrict them. TV shows were normal people are on the run or forced into acts they wouldn’t perform away from cameras. Mainstream light entertainment hosts with more power and control than is healthy for society. Deep fakes. The only thing it really gets wrong is we don’t watch TV programming en masse anymore.

I really enjoyed returning to The Running Man three decades late. It is a blunt, pleasing, gory spectacle. Harold Faltermeyer’s synth score is doom laden yet energetic. It has been running through my head for days now. It moves with purpose. The satire is surprisingly effective. Arnie not just holds the screen with his physique but he has mastered acting, humour and American pronunciation by this point. Whose to judge what anyone’s favourite film is? There’s probably an adult out there whose favourite movie is Avengers: Endgame. And no one gets chainsawed in half from balls to buzz cut and then given the epitaph; “He had to split!” in that very average release.

8

Check out my wife Natalie’s Horror blog https://cornsyrup.co.uk

We also do a podcast together called The Worst Movies We Own. It is available on Spotify or here https://letterboxd.com/bobbycarroll/list/the-worst-movies-we-own-podcast-ranking-and/

Richard Brooks directs Elizabeth Taylor, Paul Newman and Burl Ives in this Tennessee Williams drama where a drunk heir, his sexually frustrated wife and a rich plantation owner work through their beefs on a stormy night.

How strange to watch something that was shocking and controversial in its day through modern eyes. Even though every hint that Newman’s Brick Pollitt had a gay romance with his football buddy has been smothered or removed by Hollywood you can plainly tell his life on the down-low is what is eating him up. What other reason could there be not to want to impregnate a peak Elizabeth Taylor? This leads to a whole lotta housebound talk about wills. Shouting, recriminations, some salty Southern bitchiness. If Newman and Taylor didn’t look so sultry it might be a bit of a droning bore, defanged as it is.

6

Check out my wife Natalie’s Horror blog https://cornsyrup.co.uk

We also do a podcast together called The Worst Movies We Own. It is available on Spotify or here https://letterboxd.com/bobbycarroll/list/the-worst-movies-we-own-podcast-ranking-and/

Bo Burnham directs Elsie Fisher, Josh Hamilton and Emily Robinson in this coming of age drama where a quiet, lonely girl tries too hard to fit in.

A bit too raw and painful to enjoy. Brutal. Close to the bone. Like being kicked in the face by a bright bit of marketing. It is admirable that there’s a current film out for smart kids that promotes self-esteem over fitting in. But it ain’t enjoyable to watch a bright and self aware child be fucked around or ignored by the vapidly popular and predatory. Very well made but not something I’d want to sit through again.

6

Check out my wife Natalie’s Horror blog https://cornsyrup.co.uk

We also do a podcast together called The Worst Movies We Own. It is available on Spotify or here https://letterboxd.com/bobbycarroll/list/the-worst-movies-we-own-podcast-ranking-and/

Reginald Hudlin directs Eddie Murphy, Robin Givens and Halle Berry in this romantic comedy where a sexist lothario has the tables turned on him when his hot new female boss humps and dumps him.

Critical reputation and vague memories of this meant I was expecting a poor and bland no-brainier half watch experience. But Natalie and I laughed our arses off at this on rewatch. Some of comedy is very broad and most is nicely down and dirty. The support cast is thick with big, showstopping turns… Eartha Kitt, Grace Jones, Geoffrey Holder, John Witherspoon, Tisha Campbell and Chris Rock have all been given the directions get laughs or go home. They kill. Leaving Eddie to seduce the gorgeous ladies, deliver some nicer, subtler jokes and go through a well paced emotional arc. It is glossy and sprawling and full of daft bits. Well worth a second try.

8

Check out my wife Natalie’s Horror blog https://cornsyrup.co.uk

We also do a podcast together called The Worst Movies We Own. It is available on Spotify or here https://letterboxd.com/bobbycarroll/list/the-worst-movies-we-own-podcast-ranking-and/

Robert Rodriguez directs Johnny Depp, Antonio Banderas and Eva Mendes in this chaotic conclusion to the El Mariachi trilogy.

This has aged poorly, I remember it being a blast in the cinema. This watch… not so much. Just too many plots and triple crosses and pointless villains. Something this scribbly is the exact opposite of the pure Leone spaghetti western vision it aspires to or the clean comic book carnage of its two predecessors. Banderas’ lead gets sidelined to support character. Depp steals the show as a gleefully detestable C.I.A. puppetmaster. Salma Hayek is fridged before start of play and only seen in flashbacks. These flashback action barneys are the only scenes that match the winning excess and verve of Desperado. Everything else is silly rather than suspenseful, talky rather than walky. Eva Mendes, Enrique Iglesias and the setting of Culiacán look hot as fuck. But any film where the lookers make more of an impact than the character actor royalty that is Willem Dafoe, Mickey Rourke or Rueben Blades is clearly being very wasteful and indulgent.

5

Check out my wife Natalie’s Horror blog https://cornsyrup.co.uk

We also do a podcast together called The Worst Movies We Own. It is available on Spotify or here https://letterboxd.com/bobbycarroll/list/the-worst-movies-we-own-podcast-ranking-and/

Yûzô Kawashima directs Furankî Sakai, Sachiko Hidari and Yôko Minamida in this Japanese period comedy where a conman runs up a huge bill at a brothel and becomes an integral member of the business paying off his debt.

Light hearted fun. Like a Robert Altman film this is packed with small side characters and cheeky interactions away from the winning, fast-talking protagonist. A good companion piece to Kawashima’s Red Light District.

7

Check out my wife Natalie’s Horror blog https://cornsyrup.co.uk

We also do a podcast together called The Worst Movies We Own. It is available on Spotify or here https://letterboxd.com/bobbycarroll/list/the-worst-movies-we-own-podcast-ranking-and/

Frédéric Petitjean directs Jean Reno, Sarah Lind and Joe Anderson in this thriller where a retired hitman lets an injured woman with a murky agenda recuperate in his secluded cabin.

Although it leans heavily on Reno’s Leon legacy, this never comes to life. The flat yet ambitious timewaster is overly fussily plotted and shows its production compromises in every scene. Set in America but shot in the Ukraine, this feature unconvincing shots of Eastern European locations set-dressed with the Stars N Stripes, all supporting actors are poorly dubbed and the producers have used their sports cars and coke party pied-à-terres as tax write-offs in the film rather than hire convincing props. Reno, Lind and Joe Anderson do better work than the script deserves but for a film that teases Besson-style revenge pyrotechnics, you only get a few shots fired and then the end credits.

4

Check out my wife Natalie’s Horror blog https://cornsyrup.co.uk

We also do a podcast together called The Worst Movies We Own. It is available on Spotify or here https://letterboxd.com/bobbycarroll/list/the-worst-movies-we-own-podcast-ranking-and/

Michael Chaves directs Linda Cardellini, Raymond Cruz and Patricia Velasquez in this housebound horror where a single mother social worker uncovers a child killing curse.

For a spin-off PG-13 horror this has a strong visual sense and tries for dread rather than constant jumps. It just never is particularly scary. Cardinelli makes for a winning lead and rocks her seventies vintage wardrobe. Doesn’t hang around long enough to be bad.

4

Check out my wife Natalie’s Horror blog https://cornsyrup.co.uk

We also do a podcast together called The Worst Movies We Own. It is available on Spotify or here https://letterboxd.com/bobbycarroll/list/the-worst-movies-we-own-podcast-ranking-and/

The Big Red N has produced some iffy content. And bought up some dross that studios thought was pretty much unreleasable. Those films that appear on the algorithmed menu twice a week are often pap, difficult labours of love by auteurs or Adam Sandler flicks. Taking a punt on a Netflix Original is a lot like renting the last movie you haven’t seen in the video rental shops of old. About 500 are chaff, but there has been some wheat. Here are my favourites of the movies they funded or provided a platform for when no one else would.

Check out my wife Natalie’s Horror blog https://cornsyrup.co.uk

We also do a podcast together called The Worst Movies We Own. It is available on Spotify or here https://letterboxd.com/bobbycarroll/list/the-worst-movies-we-own-podcast-ranking-and/

Sergio Leone directs Charles Bronson, Henry Fonda and Claudia Cardinale in this epic spaghetti western where a widow needs to protect her land from mysterious forces as the new railroad approaches.

A journey so massive that Ennio Morricone does not produce just one brilliant score, he conjures 5! Who wouldn’t be seduced by dreamy Claudia Cardinale digging her heels in the scrabble and standing her ground as everyone fights around her? Morricone delivers an aria for her stubborn beauty. And then we have our man-of-the-match; the playful and wise and wistful bandit Cheyenne! Jason Robards gets a springy theme to match his wiley lethalness. We know eventually Harmonica and Frank are gonna face-off. Is there a deeper story in the mournful dirge they share? Vengeance bides its time then comes hard, crosses are doubled and then tripled! You are gonna have to be fast with those guns and patient with your draw as Leone masterfully moves all his icons into position. It is worth the wait, worth the long drawn-out moments of gorgeous inaction. Once Upon a Time in the West is one of the greatest films made, it makes waiting for death one the most beautiful cinema experiences ever.

10

Check out my wife Natalie’s Horror blog https://cornsyrup.co.uk

We also do a podcast together called The Worst Movies We Own. It is available on Spotify or here https://letterboxd.com/bobbycarroll/list/the-worst-movies-we-own-podcast-ranking-and/