Len Wiseman and Chad Stahelski direct Ana de Armas, Keanu Reeves and Gabriel Byrne in this action spin-off where an orphaned girl trains to be a killer bodyguard within the John Wick universe.

There are an un-tally-able amount of moments of people getting walloped in the crotch in this. Knees, rubber bullets, actual bullets. Bad time for genitals. The “ballerina” aspect seems to be stop gap marketing idea from seven years ago never truly fulfilled in the finished movie. “Kikimora” would be the more apt title for the finished product. As that is what Ana de Armas’ pretty but sexless blank trains up to become. She is essentially a Gen Z Nikita and Anne Parilaud even has a blink and I missed it cameo according to the credits in tribute to that hit girl classic. Everyone is getting old. The action is very much more of the same… only the cuts are quicker to cover up de Armas’ heavily relied upon stunt doubles. If you got bored of the constant grappling and shooting and slamming in past entries, then this doesn’t offer much more variation than previous ones. Having said that, Ballerina does become at least a bit more slapstick and spectacular in the second half. There is a rumble through a workshop with grenades that feels excessively silly and the finale involving duelling flame throwers has certainly never been done before. Allegedly, series mastermind Stahelski reshot all these sequences after Wiseman’s cut got weak test scores. And that shows. The last act is way more involving, inspired and pulse raising than the rather lacklustre seen-it-all-before build-up. Of course it helps that Keanu crops up for a prominent reprise in the third act. If you like gun-fu, comic book world building and puce lighting, then this fifth trip out of The Continental does hit the spot. I guess I still do.

7

Perfect Double Bill: Anna (2019)

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Zach Lipovsky and Adam B. Stein direct Kaitlyn Santa Juana, Teo Briones, Rya Kihlstedt in this legacy sequel to the horror accidental death franchise.

The teens at my library told me they snuck in to see this through the fire exit and I look like the guy who got his brains eaten up by a lawnmower! Not exactly a compliment but I’ll take it. Awesome prolonged Sixties-set opening at a doomed skytower restaurant. Some franchise high kills and teases. Likeable final girl. Tony Todd’s lovely final monologue of his career. Probably the best one yet.

Jonathan Entwistle directs Ben Wang, Jackie Chan and Ralph Macchio in this intertwining of all the iterations of the Karate Kid series… “Two Branches, One Tree.”

Miyagi-Do is back and now… well… Now my wife wants to learn kung-fu. Super colourful. They make the sensible decision to give the kid the first half to himself before Jackie and Ralph can dominate the limelight. At one point he is training Pacey Witter. It can’t get cooler than that. Just a lot of good hearted fun. The tournament resembles an arcade game and there’s an alley fight sequence where Wang recreates all of Jackie’s energy and moves. What more could you want in a Sunday morning multiplex trip?

Two pleasant surprises that weren’t even on my radar a few months ago. Feeding nostalgia hunger pangs that I didn’t know I even had.

6/6

Frank Marshall directs Jeff Daniels, Julian Sands and John Goodman in this creature feature thriller where small town USA is taken over by killer spiders.

This was the first movie I went to see without parents or my big sister. My mates and me absolutely freaked at the scene when a killer spider makes it way down the wet torso of an oblivious girl in the shower. We were standing up screaming and hooting and hollering. We had such a good time, this was our Minecraft “Chicken Jockey” moment. Holds up well. It ain’t Gremlins or Jaws but has that unmatchable Amblin mood. Great jungle prologue, decent family friendly scares, spider sex scene, Goodman comic relief and Jeff Daniels is always primo.

7

Perfect Double Bill: *batteries not included (1987)

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Brett Ratner directs Jackie Chan , Chris Tucker and Tzi Ma in this rote buddy cop comedy where mismatched police officers are assigned to rescue a Chinese diplomat’s abducted daughter.

“I didn’t like the movie. I still don’t like the movie. I don’t like the way I speak English, and I don’t know what Chris Tucker is saying. If you see my Hong Kong movies, you know what happens: Bam bam bam, always Jackie Chan-style, me, 10 minutes of fighting.” – Jackie Chan

Love Jackie. Hate Tucker. Why is it even called Rush Hour? Because of the one throwaway line by a henchman?!

5

Perfect Double Bill: Rumble In The Bronx (1995)

Renny Harlin directs Saffron Burrows, Thomas Jane and Samuel L. Jackson in this shark actioner where smart predators flood and take over a scientific installation.

Everyone remembers this for Samuel L Jackson’s speech. Premium in-flight entertainment centre trash. Saffron Burrows’ “scientist” is just a pretty body to ogle but Jane and Jackson are both top value. It is essentially a soaking wet Jurassic Park in terms of formula. The kills make their way down the credits with few surprises. At the start of most scenes you can tell exactly whose turn it is to become shark lunch next. Almost like the spotlight resets onto them ominously. LL Cool J’s chef has own little bonus movie away from the doomed ensemble and that is even dumber. Burger King cinema. Everyone else does it better but once in a while you just need to check in for yourself that the Whopper still exists.

6

Perfect Double Bill: The Shallows (2016)

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Soi Cheang directs Louis Koo, Sammo Hung and Richie Jen in this Hong Kong martial arts epic where an immigrant tries to survive the gangs of lawless Kowloon in the Eighties.

A throwback to A Better Tomorrow but at triple speed and with gaudy stylings. The fights and wire work are impressive, graceful yet chaotic. The dedication in recreating the high rise slums of Kowloon with sets and CGI is laudable. And just so motherfuckers can be dropkicking each other about it too! This has oodles of plot, back story, sidebars and revelations. It can be way too dense at times. Just let the story wash over you. Philip Ng is on fire as the ambitious evil henchman and we are always going to want to see Sammo.

7

Perfect Double Bill: Limbo (2021)

John Stockwell directs Kate Bosworth, Michelle Rodriguez and Sanoe Lake in this gritty surfing flick.

It comes as no shock that actor turned director Stockwell made his bones in Top Gun. That movies’ narrative arc and Tony Scott eye for sexy visual sun warp are a touchstone here. This has aged rather well. A character study with a hard earned empowerment message. The sports movie stuff is formulaic but the life detail the envelops it are fought for and true. I can take or leave Bosworth (though physically she does bring it in all but “the world’s best surfer” impossible shots). Rodriquez and Lake are indelible, believable presences though. I have seen far worse teen flicks grow into cult gems.

7

Perfect Double Bill: Soul Surfer (2011)

I write regular features about live comedy for British Comedy Guide here https://www.comedy.co.uk/people/bobby_carroll/features/ and my own Substack https://substack.com/@edinburghlaughterbulletin

John Irvin directs Patrick Bergin, Uma Thurman and Jürgen Prochnow in this historical adventure retelling the Robin Hood legend with an emphasis on Norman / Saxon tensions post-invasion.

Muddy. Closer to the stories I read as a kid but nowhere near as slick or as fun. Bergin lacks that movie star magic but turns in a serviceable lead performance. Uma feels too young here to be his love interest. The anti Europe messaging is baked in deep. Not terrible, just redundant.

5

Perfect Double Bill: First Knight (1995)

Steven Soderbergh directs Lucy Liu, Chris Sullivan and Callina Liang in this supernatural thriller where a ghost observes a family at risk who move into a new house.

The awesome David Koepp wrote this (his second collaboration this year with Soderbergh) and it has strong Panic Room vibes. It is a one-watcher and the characters are often very unlikable but it works. Becomes very intense before the twist and feels like it is saying more about human toxicity than many a drama that explicitly sets out to do such a thing. Soderbergh also cheekily winks at us the viewer, our POV and our ability to do nothing but watch as a tragedy unfurls. Sounds pretty good, hey!? But, like I say, a classy five finger exercise that would appear to be rewarding only the once.

6

Perfect Double Bill: Black Bag (2025)

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Greg Kwedar directs Colman Domingo, Clarence Maclin and Sean San José in this prison drama following the rehearsals for a new play with the Rehabilitation Through the Arts program.

Strong, sensitive drama. The acting is deeply involving and only a fool would disagree with the messaging. It did exactly what it said on the tin and in that respect, considering the hype, I was a little underwhelmed.

7

Perfect Double Bill: Just Mecry (2019)