Robin Hardy directs Britannia Nicol, Graham McTavish and Honeysuckle Weeks in this rough sequel to his pagan classic The Wicker Man.

A late in the day legacy scarring retread of the horror classic with not an iota of the eerie inevitably, folk quirk or superior performances. Pantomime violence, acting and politics meet amateurish cinematography. Dimpled skin sex scenes half-heartedly stir a bland plot while you endure it all… at least hoping Christopher Lee’s cameo might perk things up. It doesn’t.

1

Neil Jordan directs Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise and Kirsten Dunst in this strange adaptation of the homoerotic gothic bestseller. 

Better than I remember but the main pleasures are some fantastic production design and the campily illicit thrill of watching megastars Cruise (working well against type) and Pitt (not quite there yet in a role Tom would have wisely turned down in the 80s) engaging in a frilly same sex relationship and raising a child. Dunst in her debut blows everyone else off the screen with a turn that bleeds both malice and pathos. When she is shunted to the background and Cruise disappears for the second hour everything becomes dull and uncertain. You get the feeling the whole thing could do with either a focussed plot or a breezier Forrest Gump / Benjamin Button style narrative; with our bloodsuckers interacting through history a little more… and either way a little nastier too, please. What we wind up with is the tale of how one vegan vamp couldn’t find anyone to go see Tequila Sunrise with at the cinema. Too handsome and transgressive enough to dismiss but hardly the stuff of nightmares.

6

Jimmy Hayward directs Josh Brolin, Megan Fox and Michael Fassbender in this supernatural steampunk western based on the far simpler DC comic character.

I loved Jonah Hex comics as a teenager (in fact, a run written by Hap and Leonard author Joe R Lansdale served as a primer to my favourite genre writer) so I avoided this knowing good and well its deserved reputation as a stinker. A fantastic cast , well attired, struggle in a sliced and diced hot mess. You can see where it has been truncated, reshot and then overstretched – a stock recurring shot of Brolin on horseback racing to the next gorefree and tensionless rushed setpiece almost plays like unintentional pop art on its third inclusion. A barely followable opening sequence where Hex is disgraced, bereaved and left for dead should have been the meat of the film… all the mechanical megadeath weapons and such distract. There are glimmers of hope; a late addition sequence where Hex revives an uncredited Jefferey Dean Morgan from his grave has the rare luxury of breathing room given to it – the mere fact it moves at a pace where you can enjoy the interaction means it stands out like a sore thumb – and I actually credit that non-canon supernatural superpower given to the anti-hero, here’s hoping the future comics or reboot make some use of it. That’s not enough to justify wasting 80 minutes of your life on this effects heavy abortion though. Joins Fantastic 4 and Suicide Squad as an incomplete puzzle of a former film completely scrambled by post production interference. You want to decipher and excavate to see the whole experience hidden within but know the wreckage is not worth spending any more time exploring.

3

Mark Rydell directs John Wayne, Roscoe Lee Browne and Bruce Dern in this western where The Duke employs a team of children to herd his cattle when gold fever siphons away all the adults nearby.

A fun, beautiful and emotionally affecting western which celebrates and stripmines Wayne’s incomparable star power efficiently as he approaches the end of his career. His mythic but dated appeal here chimes brightly against modern elements, not just in his gruff paternalism for the rootin tootin brood of mini-cowhands, but in unpredictable harmony with Dern’s performance and Rydell’s direction – both of which scream New Hollywood in the face of the naturally old fashioned elements of the genre and adventure. Roscoe Lee Browne’s dignified and determined cook almost steals the show from the lead in a gorgeously scripted part.

8

Wolfgang Reitherman, Hamilton Luske and Clyde Geronimi direct Betty Lou Gerson, Rod Taylor and Cate Bauer in this Walt Disney adaptation of the puppy kidnapping classic by Dodie Smith.

As a kid this was always one of those Disneys that I enjoyed but never loved… so imagine my surprise when a good 25 years further down the line I rediscovered just how brilliant it all is. I’m a dog loving bloke, so that accounts for some of the resonance, especially in the charming animation of Pongo, Perdita and the Twilight Bark across London, out into the countryside. The opening parallel romance between humans and dalmatians is affecting, the unexpected dips into grittier emotions (the clock ticking as the stillborn 15th pup is rubbed, P&P’s arduous snowbound trek across the countryside to reach Hell Hall) satisfying, and the adventure finale hums with echoes of The Great Escape, thrilling. The songs are used sparingly, a credit in my opinion as there is no ballady filler. Massive shout out too for Ken Anderson’s hard outline designs of London city life. Thanks to him the overall look is wonderful despite partly being a cost saving experiment at the time – possibly I’d say this is the most beautifully conceived animated feature I have ever watched. And Cruella De Vil is an iconic villian; manic, focussed and wrapped in acrid smoke and death. Chillingly fun but you already knew that. All in all, the faultless stuff that dreams are made of.

10

Andrew Niccol directs Ethan Hawke, Bruce Greenwood and Zöe Kravitz in this disconnected war drama following a drone pilot’s self-destructive ennui.

Solid acting work from Hawke and Greenwood stop a didactic script from appearing worthy and hollow. Niccol paints his protagonist’s increasing alienation well and his lashing out, night driving and alcoholism evoke Taxi Driver – not a bad touchstone to have. There are powerful moments but it lacks the efficient satire and well articulated tension of the similar but more consistent drone drama; Eye In the Sky.

6

Rodney Asch directs this documentary featuring Jack Nicholson, Stanley Kubrick and Danny Lloyd that exposes the inanity of critical theory with The Shining as its example.

A series of interlinked voiceovers that profess their detailed theories on the hidden meanings in Stanley Kubrick’s horror masterpiece. All take deadpan glee in finding magic bullets in background props and forger’s notes in continuity errors. Taken at face value it can be a maddening experience watching your favourite film being torn apart and reassembled by academic freaks desperate to prove their own hypothesis about the Holocaust, the faked moon landings and genocide of the American Indians. Yet if you let their forensic deconstruction just wash over you then Room 237 occasionally dredges up an interesting fact, or even entire interpretation you can get behind. As their obsessions reveal themselves more and more then the sillier it all becomes, making the endeavour actually some kind of thinking man’s geek show comedy. Whether watching this has tarnished or improved my love of The Overlook Hotel I can’t say, only the next viewing will tell. The sequence where they overlap the normal and backward prints of the film has an inspiring beauty though.

7

Tate Taylor directs Emily Blunt, Haley Bennet and Rebecca Ferguson in this mystery adaptation about a damaged woman trying to figure out which one of her former neighbours is a killer.

A brilliant Emily Blunt performance is thrown in a sack and weighted down by the confines of a superficially glossy, awfully guessable whodunnit. All the men abusive, all the women addictive shrews, all the police seems to have forgotten about DNA tests and taking formal statements from key witnesses and suspects. Fantasy shit with no imagination, little illicit thrill and zero tension. But Blunt’s edgy alcoholic captures the mania, paranoia and blackouts of full time boozing perfectly. Oscar worthily even.

5

 

John Hughes directs Molly Ringwald, Michael Schoeffling and Anthony Michael Hall in this teen comedy about a girl going through a nightmare weekend on her sixteenth birthday. 

Year Zero for Eighties teen movie – this is where John Hughes found his voice. Still fans of the far superior and heartfelt The Breakfast Club, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Some Kind of Wonderful and Pretty in Pink might find this first draft of the format in, awkwardly dated, bad taste. There is a whole HILARIOUS subplot centred around what looks to modern eyes very much like a date rape and the less said about Asian stereotype Long Duk Dong’s “clazy, clazy” parallel night the better. I guess it makes more sense when you realise this came in off the tail end of the Porky’s and Police Academy series, and John Hughes himself cut his teeth on the goofy and scatalogical Vacation movies; where bad behaviour was throwaway rather than a political statement. If you can get past the clunky humour that almost dominates then the soundtrack pops, fashion rocks and Anthony Michael Hall’s geek plus a silly recurring cameo by Joan Cusack improve those gone off, way past their sell by date flavours just about enough.

5

Jean-François Richet directs Mel Gibson, Erin Moriarty and Diego Luna in this thriller where an estranged ex-con father and junkie daughter go on the run from a cartel hit squad.

Despite Mel embracing his advancing years (grey, grizzled and growling are the order of the day) this could have come out in 2002 -before controversy killed his box office power –  and easily carried on his $100 million plus powerhouse reputation. Mel was the King of the violent but emotionally aware action flicks back during his reign and Blood Father has all that unhinged charm and mad dog mayhem which even his classiest entries showcased with aplomb. Bottom line: If you own a Lethal Weapon or Mad Max boxset, then get ready to be entertained thoroughly. The set-up of Daddy saving daughter might reek of Taken (and there are worse things to smell like) but the heft of the journey seems closer to Leon or Matchstick Men with reprehensible father figure teaching his Lolita-esque ward some nasty but essential tricks of the trade. And just as Natalie Portman and Alison Lohman laid foundations to stardom in those breakthrough roles, Erin Moriarty proves almost as equally as interesting as Gibson here. I say ‘almost’ as to be honest the long awaited (by me) Mel comeback starts here, nothing else can be of any import for a boy raised on him. This hits the same nostalgic notes for me as The Force Awakens does for many. Whether he picks up a Mad Max motorbike, shaves and scrubs up to look like Payback’s Porter, or goes nuts and mouth savages a baddie’s ear a la Riggs, this lovingly repackages every aspect that made 80s and 90s Mel brilliant in a foul mouthed, self-aware, sensitive yet down and dirty thriller that will keep modern audiences gripped. A bruisingly fun night out.

8