Alex Proyas directs Gerard Butler, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau and Brenton Thwaites in this adventure battle between honky Egyptian gods.

Part of a “Why do I do this to myself?” double fantasy bill with Warcraft yesterday afternoon, I walked into this with low expectations but the hope that one, or the other, would exceed their collective awful reputations. There’s actually some epic, almost surreal, production design and some OK action here dotted about a plotless wander. Not enough to stop adult me from having a little nap before the last battle but I’d bet a less jaded, juvenile me would have at least walked out looking forward to circling the action figures in my Argos catalogue after. This actually feels like a big budget remake of forgotten 80s toyline schilling cartoon serial; see Visionaries: Knights of the Magical Light, Ulysses 31 or MASK. And if an 11 year old me had gone to this then I’d probably have found more currency in the constant cliches and cleavage on display. Butler, still terrible but the best of bad bunch of performances ranging from worryingly senile to wonkliy one take worthy, seems to have rubbed his porky pig in Bisto… Which won’t help those accusations of whitewashing. So daftly awful that the Scottish, Swedes, Aussies and whatever nationality Thwaites is should right now be protesting and boycotting so their collective race are never again associated with such golden showers. If you can judge a film by how many loners carrying two stuffed bags for life came in late to a matinee screening,  then Gods of Egypt is a “six seperate rattling mentals” barnstormer.

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