Carter Smith directs Jena Malone, Shawn Ashmore and Laura Ramsey in this horror where six young tourists become trapped at a Mayan Temple where death is inevitable.

On paper, there’s much here to like. A decent hook for a horror. Potential for set pieces. Full fat body horror. Nudity. Jena Malone playing against type. The Ruins just doesn’t congeal. There’s no sense of narrative urgency. The dumb kids just accept their fate. Instead of hoping they’ll survive increasingly grim odds you are left waiting for a bunch of annoying characters to just… die. At least they die nasty.

5

Perfect Double Bill: Turistas (2005)

I write regular features about live comedy for British Comedy Guide here https://www.comedy.co.uk/people/bobby_carroll/features/

Steven C. Miller directs Sylvester Stallone, Xiaoming Huang and Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson in this action sequel where professional jail breaker Ray Breslin’s crew get locked up in a hidden prison.

Dire. So obviously compromised. Dave Bautista replacing Arnie in a barely rewritten role isn’t the killer blow. The calculated lack of him and Sly throughout the story though is. So obviously filmed in a big dark warehouse whether we are supposed to be on the bustling streets of Asia, or in the war zones of Eastern Europe or trapped within that futuristic gaol. Even if cheap, even if the top billed names are rationed out with their runtime… this still shouldn’t be quite so boring,

2

Perfect Double Bill: Escape Plan (2013)

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Steven Soderbergh directs George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Matt Damon in this crime caper comedy where a just-released-from -prison mastermind assembles ten more crooks to perform an impossible heist in Las Vegas and win back his girl.

After the jazzy soulful Out Of Sight came the spiritual sequel, a smooth yet grand orchestral concerto. Visually this owes as much to Figgis’ Leaving Las Vegas as it does the Rat Pack era. The suits, the shorthand, the boppin’ David Arnold score. Movie just glides. Everyone gets some decent comedy business… their moment of peril, their desired victory with a twist. 10 men watching a fountain, walking away with ill-gotten 7 figure sums in their back pocket. Beauty. The romance works, Garcia’s villain is surprisingly a hoot. This project, in my mind, accidentally set the mould for the modern blockbuster; deep drill ensemble cast that exploits star power but doesn’t rely on one over paid name, defunct / musty IP resurrected, a self aware tone of sitcommy interaction over genuine danger or resolution. Sure, O11 is superior and maturer than a Marvel episode or a Pirates rehash but the DNA of the current tentpole is here. Certainly for Warner Bros… see any Batman film released post-2001 or Dune.

9

Perfect Double Bill: Ocean’s Twelve (2004)

I write regular features about live comedy for British Comedy Guide here https://www.comedy.co.uk/people/bobby_carroll/features/

Bradley Cooper directs himself, Carey Mulligan and Sarah Silverman in this biopic of composer / conductor Leonard Bernstein.

A vanity project where the bold camera choices are declarative. At the the expense of the directorial intention which is often incoherent. Only begins to fix on the central relationship in a tangible way in the third act. By then, I was watching through gritted teeth.

3

Perfect Double Bill: Nostalgia (1983)

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Wes Craven directs Robert Urich, Joanna Cassidy and Susan Lucci in this supernatural conspiracy movie where everyone who works at a tech company signs their families up as dedicated members to an evil health spa.

Pre-internet I always used to be fascinated by letters to film magazines where people would try to find the name of half remembered movies. They watched it late night and fell asleep or the VHS kept taping the next movie or they missed the title card. The details they could recall made these puzzlers sound like the most exciting release ever. They got me wet and hard to see the eventual community gathered answer. Invitation To Hell is exactly that movie. Can anyone remember the TV movie where a glamorous soap star played the devil? All I remember is the gates of hell were below the gym? What film sees a man don a spacesuit to rescue his family from the trippy pits of purgatory? The actual movie is very shoddy. Nothing much happens. But the finale is so out there that someone could easily remake it or rename it and achieve something twice as good as what got churned out here. Jennifer Lawrence as the devil wears shoulder pads, anyone?

3

Perfect Double Bill: The Stepford Wives (1975)

I write regular features about live comedy for British Comedy Guide here https://www.comedy.co.uk/people/bobby_carroll/features/

Cord Jefferson directs Jeffrey Wright, John Ortiz and Sterling K. Brown in this satire where a middle class African American author invents a “street” pseudonym so he can sell a hot manuscript he wrote as a joke to expose the racist tastes of white run publishing houses.

Funny and that’s the main thing. I’ve heard critics complain there’s too much focus on the family dynamics away from the literary world but for me that was the richest flavour. Exemplary work from Wright and Brown. I’m not sure the messy, uneven final product deserves that sheer weight of prestige laid at its doorstep but as first movies go I do believe Cord Jefferson has the promise of a truly great one in him.

6

Perfect Double Bill: Bamboozled (2000)

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J. A. Bayona directs Enzo Vogrincic, Matías Recalt and Agustín Pardella in this Spanish retelling of the infamous plane crash over the Andes in 1972 where a barely surviving rugby team became gentile cannibals.

It doesn’t have the line “Please eat my sister.” but it feels like all roads are leading there in the first half. You get more of a sense of the gruelling calamity they endured over months than in 1992’s Alive. Still, feels a little sanitised and again uses spirituality as a smock to cover up a clear case of survival of the fittest. I doubt we will ever know the true “true story”. Well made but worthy. I wanna see Tobe Hooper or Rob Zombie’s take on this history.

6

Perfect Double Bill: The Impossible (2012)

I write regular features about live comedy for British Comedy Guide here https://www.comedy.co.uk/people/bobby_carroll/features/

Vittorio De Sica directs Sophia Loren, Marcello Mastroianni and Aldo Giuffrè in this Italian comedy anthology where the two handsome leads play three different couples in a crisis.

A mixed bag (the middle story about a car journey goes nowhere) that all showcase Loren’s magnificent beauty and Mastroianni’s ability to mug charmingly. The first story where Loren exhausts her husband by needing to stay constantly pregnant to avoid a prison sentence has the most laughs and political bite. The final story ends with an iconic striptease and some decent cat action. Throwaway but bella.

6

Perfect Double Bill: A Special Day (1977)

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Don Hall and Chris Williams directs Ryan Potter, Scott Adsit and T.J. Miller in this Disney animated superhero movie where a prodigy uses robotics to investigate his brother’s iffy death at a high tech science fair.

Ensemble wise this feels as chaotically wobbly as Meet The Robinsons. I’m not going to lie I did let a lot of the maudlin tosh wash over me. The look is softened anime and the tone is very middle class. Big marshmallow robot Baymax steals the show, its ungainly sweetness really works wonders. One or two of the action set pieces have true scale to them. I liked Big Hero 6 but it wasn’t really what I need from a Disney release.

6

Perfect Double Bill: Treasure Planet (2006)

I write regular features about live comedy for British Comedy Guide here https://www.comedy.co.uk/people/bobby_carroll/features/

Peter Jackson directs Timothy Balme, Diana Peñalver and Elizabeth Moody in this New Zealand comedy horror where the residents of Wellington fall victim to the cursed bite of the Sumatran rat monkey.

Peter Jackson takes a few more baby steps away from homemade nastiness towards mainstream respectability. Not that we noticed back then. This was the VHS zombie flick where a man fights a set of intestines, the lawnmower dismembers everyone and you definitely don’t want to eat that custard. Jackson out Tex Averys Raimi here, no mean feat. The Skull Island prologue has a fantastic energy to it, shame about the whiff of racism. The animated rat monkey is a truly terrifying piece of stop motion. The romance is deluded but Diana Peñalver has heat – she brings a sweetness that stops Braindead from being a complete nihilistic parody. The overbearing mother / distracted son dynamic tools around in Hitchcock’s Psycho only with a Kiwi tang. That Father Ted clone “kicks ass for the Lord!” Then the baby comes… whoop whoop. Only the final half hour party massacre betrays the relentless pace. If Braindead showed just a little editorial restraint and lost 10 minutes then it would be a late night classic.

8

Perfect Double Bill: Bad Taste (1987)

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