Kenji Misumi directs Shintaro Katsu, Masayo Banri and Shigeru Amachi in this samurai drama about a blind masseuse turned reluctant hired sword. 

A perfectly pleasant actioner, with a plot not a million miles away from A Fistful of Dollars (or Yojimbo… or Red Harvest). Katsu is equal parts charismatic and enigmatic as the eponymous lead, you definitely want to watch him in further adventures. The plot of this one is a little overcrowded but the quieter moments have power. Zatoichi outfoxes some gambling cheats, befriends his potential enemy and frustrates a hopeful local beauty. If it was a western it would be merely average, but the exotic feudal Japanese setting punts it just over the bar.

6

Mick Garris directs Brian Krause, Mädchen Amick and Alice Krige in this teen horror about Egyptian soul sucking monsters searching small town America for a virgin to devour while avoiding cats. 

Containing every cliche you’d expect from a quickie Stephen King movie with the notable exception of a decent scare. A weird mix of Enya, incest and OTT gore this is all smirk and no focus. Making Krause’s flat,  unlikeable teen freak the jokey protagonist when he clearly is the villain, while the quirkier, sexier Amick and Krige are often sidelined is an unforgivable sin. A heroic cat saves the day narratively but this is far too sloppy to be salvaged.

3

Saul Dibb directs Michelle Williams, Kristin Scott Thomas and Matthias Schoenaerts in this World War II romance between a rural war widow and a “Good German” officer.

Nazi erotica and misery aged misery porn for modern housewives to flick their beans and have a weep to. A soft focus tragedy where yummy mummies are given a fantasy scenario where it is ethically okay to fuck an oppressor while keeping all their elegant fineries and period hairstyles. Elegant fineries and period hairstyles power this.  All the acting talent is better than the sour confectionary box they are trapped in, even if their personalities flip-flop to give them heroic redemption in the last act. Michelle Williams is provenly far superior than this, I’d wager the source material that attracted her is a bit more sensitive and elegant than this adaptation turned out.

4

 

My Top 10 Michelle Williams Movies

1. Brokeback Mountain (2005)

2. Manchester By the Sea (2016)

3. Oz: The Great and the Powerful (2013)

4. Blue Valentine (2010)

5. Shutter Island (2010)

6. The Station Agent (2003)

7. The Greatest Showman (2017)

8. All the Money in the World (2017)

9. Dick (1999)

10. Halloween: H20 (1998)

Luchino Visconti directs Burt Lancaster, Claudia Cardinale and Alain Delon in this epic domestic saga about an aristocratic family in decline throughout revolutionary Italy. 

Like the superior Doctor Zhivago, this portrays a once prosperous family struggling to keep afloat and united during political upheaval. Whereas as Lean’s tragedy is romantic and incident packed, this is morose and sedate. Both films have their subtleties and beauty but Visconti seems happier to let the rot nightmarishly seep into his picturesque sets and scenery while Lean obliterated his dynamically as he sharked ahead. The Leopard makes for a less satisfying, more patience testing experience overall. Still too well crafted an afternoon filler to dismiss… Lancaster’s performance is totemic, Cardinale never less than stellar. And by the end, as a rapidly ageing Lancaster ruefully looks on a room full of pisspots with the same silent disgust as his new social circle, the journey is affecting. Not the masterpiece of repute but there are echoes from The Magnificent Amberson and echoes to The Godfather within.

7

 

 

Martin Scorsese directs Robert DeNiro, Joe Pesci and Cathy Moriarty in this boxing biopic following the rise and fall of the always combative, Jake LaMotta. 

De Niro greatest performance, back when he fully inhabited roles rather tried to do some strange Bobby DeNiro impression. He and Scorsese know that Jake LaMotta (the tragic anti-hero, the restless champion, the misanthrope who everyone wants a piece of) is a modern day Shakespearean lead. He destroys all he touches, crushes the love out of any human interaction he has, leaves himself grief stricken as he closes off all relationships. The monochrome cinematography is beautiful capturing the blood, sweat and even more blood of the fights. They used chocolate sauce to recreate the gory spatter in some bouts. Scorsese plays with space surreally… the rings extend into eternity and traps us tightly from cut to to cut. Thelma Schoonmaker’s editing discombobutes with expert shifts of pace… ominous tranquility of the domestic conflicts gives way to rapid fire chopping on fight night. The penultimate scene where LaMotta has a chance encounter with his estranged brother, bullies him into accepting a pantomime conciliation is pure brilliance. It is a subtle moment of heartbreaking acting from De Niro and Joe Pesci, a form neither actor really embraced again afterwards.

10

Drew Pearce directs Jodie Foster, Sterling K. Brown and Sofia Boutella in this futuristic crime thriller about a brewing Mexican stand-off in a secret hospital for injured yeggs.

An ensemble cast where any of the main 8 would get me into the cinema for their solo projects… especially Jodie, whose presence sets expectations for this particularly high. A chamber piece that exists in the just about the same underworld of secret rules and retro futurism as John Wick. But it frustratingly doesn’t gel. There’s a lot of moving pieces into position for an endgame that occurs abruptly and without memorable conflict. It is all flirting confrontation and tantalising cliffhangers, the chaos never truly comes, the characters never lose a breath. Considering the talent involved and the potential of the pitch you should leave the screen with more notable moments rattling around your head than Jodie’s waddling little old lady run.

5

Rawson Marshall Thurber directs Dwayne Johnson, Neve Campbell and Chin Han in this action movie about a disabled security expert having to break into an on fire and terrorist held skyscraper to save his family. 

Hands up who wanted The Rock to become the next Arnie? I know that, ever since The Rundown, I did. It just hasn’t happened though… his best flicks are watchable but never threaten to become favourites… his own charisma and magnificent bulk carrying essentially average experiences. Skyscraper is one of his better ho-hummers. It does exactly what it says on the tin. But it is set in a universe that has a smoothness and an uncanniness that makes it all seem a little soft play, even when it looks like a vision of the apocalypse. Sets that only exist to house set pieces for our hero to overcome. Momentarily thrilling, one use ridiculous scale… if Skyscraper came on TV you’d definitely stop channel surfing and settle on it but it is never going to be anyone’s go to movie and that seems to be the ceiling Dwayne Johnson keeps hitting his head on.

7

 

 

 

Jeff Tomsic directs Ed Helms, Jon Hamm and Jeremy Renner in this comedy loosely based on the true story of a group of friends who carried on a game of tag for decades.

Bit of a shame this, as a decent concept and cast are mishandled in a film that dwindles away to nothing. The problem is we start with two big, admittedly funny, but overkill sequences… leaving what could have been quite a sweet and sharp farce nowhere to go but even further into the realms of overblown. Everyone gets lost in the wideshot, loud mix… except for Isla Fisher as the wife who takes the game all too seriously and because of her violent competitiveness isn’t allowed to play. She kinda saves a one note experience.

5

 

Michael Bay directs Will Smith, Martin Lawrence and Téa Leoni in the buddy cop action comedy about partners with 3 days to recover a stolen heroin haul. 

I went to see this at the cinema with my Dad when it first came out and we had a blast. I watched this with my boy Davey many times and had mindless, beer fuelled larks. I watched it with my wife just now and all of Bad Boys cracks and problems and pig headedness overwhelmed me. She hated it. I found it hard to defend. She’s no fan of Bay-hem, even though shimmering heat of the visuals and sultry persuasion of the soundtrack is glossily seductive. But the action is erratic and poorly told. Moments of conflict arise from nowhere. Allegedly the script was terrible when production began, meaning this is often a patchwork of nonsensical improvised scenes, obviously rewritten tangents that suggest Leoni’s witness was originally a call girl but either her or the studio balked at the idea, and trailer moments that work great out of context but do nothing for the watery plot. A lot of the time Will Smith stoically stands next to Martin Lawrence, while the more annoying star burbles on ridiculously. Grating and sloppy… it is still big, dumb fun. But if you don’t have a nostalgia for its place in the mid nineties cultural landscape you’ll struggle to key into it. I’ll save Bad Boys II for myself though.

6

Alejandro Jodorowsky directs Axel Jodorowsky, Blanca Guerra and Thelma Tixou in this strange Mexican horror about a boy who grew up in the circus and who is driven mad by that past. 

What the fuck have I just watched? Circus soap opera that begins, middles and ends in gory tragedy. An elephant funeral parade. Mentally disabled lads bunking off to a Mexican red light district. Romance between a runaway mute and a boy who acts as a substitute for his vengeful mother’s severed arms. Giallo style murders with only one suspect. Lurid fever dream gutter surrealism. Not for everyone.

7