Andrew Davis directs Steven Seagal, Tommy Lee Jones and Gary Busey in this Die Hard on a navy battleship rip-off.

Top 10 highlights from this belated Under Siege rewatch:

1. Erika Eleniak pops out of a cake and shows her breasts. This got rewound a lot in my youth and I wasn’t the only one. VHS rental stores needed to replace their copies when this moment got worn out quickly… making unprecedented ‘big box’ sales for Warner Brothers.
2. Tommy Lee Jones pretending to be a bluesy, hippie dippy rock ‘n’ roll frontman to access the ship. Buffoonery sanctioned.
3. Fast hands knife fight concluding set piece between Jones and Seagal. Heart pounding, brutal.
4. Gary Busey, in drag, looking wilder than a bobcat, asking if he looks mentally unstable. Perfect cartoon villains.
5. Seagal shows how to make a time bomb out of a fork, a scouring pad, a mug, white vinegar, oil and a microwave. I think that would work. That Casey Ryback is some chef.
6. Seagal imprisoned in a meat locker thinking he can charm his armed guard into letting him out by telling him he has ‘shit for brains’ repeatedly. This is inarguably the pinnacle of his cinematic career.
7. Seagal taking down a corridor of goons by holding two uzis in a cross-cross fashion and just walking forward.
8. The entire support cast of the far superior Davis’ The Fugitive just lurking about as disposable henchmen and unnamed officers.
9. Seagal kissing Eleniak in the epilogue in spite of zero chemistry or flirtation before. My man Casey Ryback ain’t got no time for the chat up during a hostage situation but he will dress a Playboy playmate up as a teenage boy before he forces himself on her.
10. Seagal uses his improbable endless supply of grenades to blow up a grounded helicopter just so he can run away, jump over the edge of the boat and dangle à la Die Hard.

I persuaded Natalie this was going to be better than she expected and I was correctomundo. But how am I going to persuade her that Under Siege 2 will not live up to the high bar this cheesy trash Saturday night spectacular sets?

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Perfect Double Bill: Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995)