Roger Kumble directs Sarah Michelle Gellar, Ryan Phillippe and Reese Witherspoon in this teen movie update on Dangerous Liaisons.

I haven’t seen this since opening weekend at High Street Kensington Odeon. A gleefully absurd movie. Naff yet opulent. Raunchy yet lacking in much real nudity (you get to peek at Phillippe’s rock solid buns from a far). The post Britpop soundtrack is perfect, none so more as when Bittersweet Symphony needle drops at the end to wrap things up in an utterly sincere ‘just desserts’ moment of tables have turned justice. How would Pierre Choderlos de Laclos, or even John Malkovich, feel about this American Pie / Clueless / Lifestyles Of The Rich and Shameless bastardisation of their finest work? Who cares! SMG and Selma Blair cook, let them heat up the leftovers.

7

Perfect Double Bill: Simply Irresistible (1999)

Carol Frank directs Angela O’Neill, Wendy Martel and Pamela Ross in this slasher where a young co-ed is haunted by flashbacks of a killer.

One of the better Halloween The 13th on a shoestring knock-offs. The acting is above par. Has a dreamy, almost arty vibe… at times nuzzling into Twin Peaks territory. And the mandatory T&A sequence is cute and healthy. The final twenty minutes of stalking and killing probably starts a little too late in the proceedings but is relentless. Worth a reevaluation. Scouring Tubi / Freevee pays off every now and then.

6

Perfect Double Bill: The Prey (1983)

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Woody Allen directs himself, Mira Sorvino and Helena Bonham-Carter in this comedy where a writer traces the identity of his adopted son’s mother only to find out she is a sex worker.

… Oh, and a Greek chorus comments on proceedings. Allen attempts to do “an early funny one” with mixed results. Mira’s Oscar winning helium voiced performance and the interruptions by the chorus are both the only noteworthy things and can be very grating in turns. Shocking to think in the Nineties that Allen could turn out just about anything and it would be a shoo-in with Academy voters. Passable.

5

Perfect Double Bill: Manhattan Murder Mystery (1993)

Sam Raimi directs Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst and Topher Grace in this threequel that sees Peter Parker face three villains: Sandman, Harry Osborn and Venom.

A massive hit but derided on the internet. Is it all that bad? The first half is genuinely strong. Business as usual for this iteration. We care deeply about Peter and MJ. Harry Osborne is plotting. The transformation of the Sandman is spectacular (if a little dated now). The second half doesn’t so much go off the rails as just deflate. The Venom strand is too rushed. There is little action until the perfunctory finale. The awkward dance sequences are not what the fans want. Yet it isn’t wildly off par from what came before. No matter what the memes tell you. I would have bought an opening weekend ticket to Raimi / Maguire / Dunst’s fourth spin.

6

Perfect Double Bill: Spider-Man: No Way Home (2021)

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Anne Fontaine directs Fanny Ardant, Emmanuelle Béart and Gérard Depardieu in this French erotic drama where a rich woman hires a sex worker to sleep with her cheating husband and tell her the details.

I prefer the Canadian remake but if you want to watch Béart make up dirty stories for Ardant then this has got your back.

6

Perfect Double Bill: Chloe (2009)

Brendan Faulkner, Thomas Doran and Eugenie Joseph direct Felix Ward, Dan Scott and Maria Pechukas in this cheapo mish-mash horror where a group of friends are trapped in mansion full of demons by a warlock who wants to revive his bride.

Incoherent trash with a great poster that probably meant it was an entire school year’s gateway horror movie. The mum in charge of the sleepover would be harried with the persuasive argument that THIS is just like Gremlins or Ghoulies or Critters. Well, it actually wants to be The Evil Dead but is just too messy. Each room contains a new monster. Some show decent shoestring creature design. I’m looking at you Spider Lady. I’m not looking at you fart beasts. Exactly how does this group of “friends” know each other? Their ages vary wildly and they certainly don’t get along. And then there are wild extreme moments obviously crowbarred in. Definitely are the late additions and go harder than the whole. A senseless child death and an endless chase / grope fest through the woods. So Spookies ends up like a sloppy Waxworks or Demons 2. The only truly memorable thing about it is the skimpy blue plunge top that a brassy redhead wears as it somehow manages to defy physics and retain her heaving cleavage. Joan Ellen Delaney, where are you now?

4

Perfect Double Bill: Ghoulies (1985)

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Jules Dassin directs Richard Widmark, Gene Tierney and Googie Withers in this film noir where a desperate hustler works the streets of London trying to make it big as a wrestling promoter.

Basically the original Uncut Gems. A loser swims against the tide trying to work an angle. Every time he solves a problem a new tidal wave hits him. Widmark is excellent as the grasping, gasping scumbag. We meet him on the run, he ends on the run. Soho nightlife is filmed relatively accurately on location. That world is now gone. Gene Tierney is served in small portions as the angelic good girl. Googie Withers as the sharper moll is given the best side bars.

9

Perfect Double Bill: Kiss Of Death (1947)

Ray Mendoza and Alex Garland direct Joseph Quinn, Cosmo Jarvis and Will Poulter in this Iraq War docudrama following what a Navy Seal platoon experienced on November 19, 2006 in the wake of the Battle of Ramadi.

No context, minimal characterisation, no alternative perspective, a lot of screaming and smoke. Puts you right in the shit but to what end? Tribute to bravery… or satire of pointless dehumanisation.

6

Perfect Double Bill: Black Hawk Down (2001)

I write regular features about live comedy for British Comedy Guide here https://www.comedy.co.uk/people/bobby_carroll/features/ and my own Substack https://substack.com/@edinburghlaughterbulletin

Peter Cattaneo directs Steve Coogan, Vivian El Jaber and Jonathan Pryce in this true story about a British teacher who taught at a boys’ boarding school in Argentina in the 1970s who finds himself begrudgingly looking after a penguin.

Mid level apocalypse. If there is one glimmer of hope in the obliteration of cinema for adults that is neither arthouse or blockbuster, it is Steve Coogan’s standing in the international market. His status as a comedy legend in Britain coupled with his ‘just about recognisable’ status in Hollywood and the global sphere means he has a rare freedom. Every couple of years he can make a modestly budgeted bittersweet drama (The Look Of Love, Philomena) and it can be sold in multiple markets for theatrical release and even make enviable matinee bucks in the U.K. Not Paddington or Bridget Jones sequel mad moolah but more than enough to justify itself and the next one. More importantly they can launch these mature leaning flicks outside the awards race season. The Penguin Lessons is a fine example. Coogan plays a curmudgeon who softens with flair, there’s a mop from Dead’s Poets Society and a smidge of the hard hitting milieu of Missing. It blends together nicely into a confection that mostly avoids saccharine. And has a cute penguin to boot. Why isn’t Harrison Ford or Tom Cruise taking a salary cut to do one of these in between streaming blockbuster series and action extravaganzas? Now I’m not saying either would be better in the package than Coogan is here. But what now feels tailor made for him might revive the market on a grander scale if you still had someone… anyone… with a bit of A-List global juice who started taking the same long game risk….

6

Perfect Double Bill: Philomena (2013)

Ryan Coogler directs Michael B Jordan, Michael B Jordan and Jack O’Connell in this period horror film where twin brothers return to Mississippi to set up a jook joint only for a wandering vampire to take an interest.

Lush camera work and near constant music blend into a powerful, rich gumbo. The quality and simplicity of Sinners is intoxicating. It owes a fair shout to From Dusk Till Dawn and The Faculty but Coogler acknowledges that. What he delivers is a premium tribute to Rodriquez. Is it scary? Not really. The vampires remind of Near Dark and Doctor Sleep. The night siege is more psychological than an onslaught. Sinners has a heart and pulse and it has Michael B Jordan on double duty. He is a fantastic screen presence. You don’t really need much else. The third act delivers so much more than you’ll expect and really elevates this. Coogler’s finest. The music never stops.

8

Perfect Double Bill: From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)

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