Edward Berger directs Felix Kammerer, Albrecht Schuch and Aaron Hilmer in this remake of the classic German WWI story.

Sumptuously made but still very very History GCSE syllabus in its impact. Muddiest movie ever.

6

Perfect Double Bill: Regeneration (1997)

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Gary Shore directs Luke Evans, Sarah Gadon and Dominic Cooper in this period action horror where Vlad The Impaler is granted vampiric superpowers for three days to protect his people from the Turks… the only catch is that if he drinks blood he is cursed forever.

Very much a project of its decade. Rejigged to be a franchise starter, made from the fag ends of a Game Of Thrones concept sketchbook and with the heroic beats of a Marvel movie rather than a horror flick. The superhero squat and the CGI swirl are prominent here. It is mindlessly entertaining – Evans is a purebred classic leading man and the big scene between Charles Dance’s vampire hermit and our hero is a hammy delight. There’s a decent enough look and hook. Neither are brilliantly exploited. We end up with three very similar one man army vs hordes battle sequences to sate our blood thirst. These undermine the central tension. Will he…Won’t he bite his delicious missus?

6

Perfect Double Bill: The Mummy (2017)

I write regular features about live comedy for British Comedy Guide here https://www.comedy.co.uk/people/bobby_carroll/features/

Osgood Perkins directs Maika Monroe, Nicolas Cage and Alicia Witt in this 90’s-set satanic horror thriller where a paranormally gifted FBI rookie tracks a serial killer who never seems to enter their victims’ homes.

“Daaaaaddy! MOMMMMMYYY! Un-make me, and save me from the hell of living!” Wears it’s influences heavily on the sleeve. There’s a generous chunk of Fincher, Lambs and The X-Files here, especially in the composed visual mix. A shot in a barn attic recalls the space jockey set in Alien with it sense of overwhelming scale. But the biggest touchstone is obviously Lynch and Twin Peaks. This is a tribute to all the darkest imagery and fucked-up ideas that floated around that discordant, anachronistic prime time classic. And I’m so there for that. A work of constant nightmare, permanent unease, with bursts of pure nasty trauma. Cage is unrecognisable, rationed in his screen time, but the energy he brings to the titular monster will make him the creepy Freddy Krueger of this decade. Monroe plays against type in a sympathetic lead turn that is geeky, sexy and totally crawling to escape her own skin. The eventual plot revelations admittedly are a stroke too par for the course but there are plenty of unresolved mysteries and barely absorbed shock that mean Longlegs should be revisited many times over the next few years.

8

Perfect Double Bill: Cure (1997)

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Jerry Seinfeld directs himself, Melissa McCarthy and Amy Schumer in this comedy that reimagines the invention of the Pop-Tart as if it were the space race between cereal brands.

Overstuffed with cameos and an onslaught of cultural references to things that were forgotten before any of Jerry’s girlfriends were even born, Unfrosted reeks of a vanity project. It could be a live action Pixar rip-off about breakfast or a The Right Stuff of morning foods but it forgets the laughs. Plenty of jokes but few hit. A terrible gag to reaction ratio. The two kids who have their finger on “the goo” pulse are very funny. Like The Phantom Menace or The Adventures Of Pluto Nash this is a movie that exists only because nobody felt they had the power to say no to a creative who reached their commercial peak a very long time ago.

4

Perfect Double Bill: Toys (1992)

I write regular features about live comedy for British Comedy Guide here https://www.comedy.co.uk/people/bobby_carroll/features/

Scott Mann and Jonathan Frank direct Grace Caroline Currey, Virginia Gardner and Jeffrey Dean Morgan in this survival thriller where two dumb daredevils climb a rusted 2,000 feet tall TV tower in the middle of a desert and get stranded at the top.

I reckon I’ll never particularly care about the plight of whiny Gen Z-ers who put themselves in harms way for fire emojis. If you can move past how annoying the leads are then there are adequately good thrills within. A lot of the escalating peril is expertly foreshadowed. The risk builds nicely and my heart was in my mouth a couple of times during the dizzyingly futile escape attempts. Fall is better than most of its weird little subset. Could be 15 minutes shorter, and the last minute twist doesn’t add much, but all-in-all a serviceable enough one-watcher. Verti-go-go!

6

Perfect Double Bill: Open Water (2003)

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Alberto Corredor directs Freya Allan, Peter Mullan and Anne Müller in this euro horror where an orphan inherits a warehouse of a pub with a demonic presence in the basement but no kegs.

Don’t set out detailed, specific rules for ghoul use and then have every encounter see said rules be completely ignored with minimal consequences.

4

Perfect Double Bill: Lights Out (2016)

I write regular features about live comedy for British Comedy Guide here https://www.comedy.co.uk/people/bobby_carroll/features/

Don Hall and Qui Nguyen direct Jake Gyllenhaal, Dennis Quaid and Jaboukie Young-White in this Walt Disney animated sci-fi adventure where a family travel to the dangerous, bio-organic centre of their planet to find out what is affecting their civilisation’s key power source.

Just Stop Oil. Daddy Issues. Woke representation. The big The Day After Tomorrow reunion / revival! These are all fine and worthy additions to the Disney canon. The weird biodiversity of the secret planet within a planet is well conceived and lends itself to pleasingly tight action set pieces. Yet even if it’s heart is in the right place I’m not sure Strange World is memorable beyond its attempt to repackage hot button issues in a way that is palatable for the family market. A week after watching and I had to have a long hard think whether I had anything worth saying about it… and that is pretty damning evidence. I hope time proves me wrong.

5

Perfect Double Bill: Raya and the Last Dragon (2021)

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Sylvester Stallone directs himself, Talia Shire and Carl Weathers in this boxing three-quel where The Italian Stallion’s heavyweight championship title is called into question when an aggressive undercard fighter points out the easy ride of contenders he has faced.

Gritty and glossy, camp and macho in a way that shouldn’t work. Shut up and eat your montage. Not the best Rocky entry but possibly the most daft fun. The challengers here feel like a genuine risk to his mortality and the training sessions make funky sense. This is the one with MR T, AND Hulk Hogan, where Mickey dies and Adrian finally shakes off her retardation and becomes a glamorous adult. Weathers is tops as always as Creed and I hope Mr T got paid a bonus for each guttural grunt. Hurr… Hurgghhh… Huggggnnn!

7

Perfect Double Bill: Rocky IV (1985)

I write regular features about live comedy for British Comedy Guide here https://www.comedy.co.uk/people/bobby_carroll/features/

Bernard Rose directs Charlotte Burke, Glenne Headly and Elliott Spiers in this dark children’s fantasy film where an inner city London school kid begins visiting the imaginary home that she draws in her sketchbook and the sad boy who is trapped within.

Almost definitely maybe watched this as a kid. And because it was directed by future Candyman director Rose everyone focuses on the ten minute terror sequence that closes the second act. “Anna, is that you?…. I’m BLIIIND!” The surrounding movie is a little bit CITV wobbly, a lotta bit modern gritty Alice In Wonderland. Rose infuses a deep brooding atmosphere to the whole endeavour that makes it very affecting. The acting and dubbing does hold it back. But the committed dream sequences, nightmarish or joyous, do make Paperhouse a one-of-a-kind.

6

Perfect Double Bill: Flight Of The Navigator (1986)

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Kaneto Shindō directs Nobuko Otowa, Taiji Tonoyama and Shinji Tanaka in this near silent drama following a year in the life of a family who farm a small island with no fresh water source, just off from the coast of Japan.

The slog. The grind. The relentless struggle. Taking water endlessly across water, taking water painfully uphill. A slap. Eisenstein-style montage of eating family and eating animals. The festivals. The day off. The mainland like an alien future world. The tragedy. The desperation. The grief. The slog. The grind. The relentless struggle. Taking water endlessly across water, taking water painfully uphill. So dark, so beautiful. Usually silent cinema cannot hold my full attention. And while this isn’t exactly textbook “silent” it is almost entirely dialogue free and I was enthralled. A genuine one-of-a-kind.

10

Perfect Double Bill: Red Sorghum (1987)

I write regular features about live comedy for British Comedy Guide here https://www.comedy.co.uk/people/bobby_carroll/features/