George Lucas directs Liam Neeson, Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman, Hayden Christensen, Samuel L. Jackson and Ian McDiarmid in these prequels to the blockbuster space adventure trilogy where we meet young Anakin Skywalker before he becomes Darth Vader.

There’s nothing new that can be written about the shockingly abrasive prequel episodes that almost derailed Star Wars for the generation that grew up with it. I’m not going to lay too heavily into child performances, or icky wooden romances, or even Jar-Jar Binks. Jar-Jar isn’t my cup of tea but he belongs in a family movie. Maybe not a family movie about trade embargoes, taxation, fascism and forbidden lust for teens. The Padme / Anakin crush is now far more awkward and disturbing than a slightly racist CGI comedy sidekick. Maybe the future Sith Lord is using his underage powers to influence the twenty-something regal honey. Maybe Jar-Jar is also a Sith. Now there’s a kickback online fan theory that actually makes his weird presence quite engaging in retrospect.

The epic pod race is exciting. Iconic new villain Darth Maul got a good duel and a memorable “death”. John William’s Duel Of The Fates orchestral music is premium. All the Jedis turning up to fight droids in the gladiator arena has its moments. Neeson is well cast in the first one, McGregor comes into his own in Clones. Gifted with his own little detective quest that allows him room to breathe. I always want to rehabilitate these idiosyncratic entries but I confess I am clutching at Star Straws. Stay off those Death Sticks kids if you think Batman V Superman or Prometheus are anywhere near as iffy. It is hard to love two things this continually disappointing and wholly inexplicable.

When compared to what came before these two are almost irredeemable. The unreliable green screen FX works is leant into too foolishly. Every moment of excitement is hobbled by glaring fakery. A CGI stunt person who contorts like a polygon marionette. A constant pixel ugliness. Someone needed to be hired who could say “No” to George Lucas. “No” to using tech that wasn’t up to task. “No” to his screenwriting choices. “No” to his dreck dialogue. “No” to his humour. “No” to the yippees inserted in in post. If that producer existed we would have tighter, more action orientated movies, ones where the limitations might have created beauty and elegance. Instead we have four and half hours where you really have to sift through muck to find entertainment, to find that old magic. Garish enigmas yet still Star Wars.

5/5

I write regular features about live comedy for British Comedy Guide here https://www.comedy.co.uk/people/bobby_carroll/features/ and my own Substack https://substack.com/@edinburghlaughterbulletin